- Malcolm: Sleeping is the only thing that makes my life worthwhile. I can dream I'm somewhere decent.
- Hal: Dewey, go easy on the orange juice, that stuff doesn't grow on... wait, it does! So why's it so damn expensive?
- Grandma Ida: [when her lawyer begins to leave the house] Where do you think you're going?
- Lawyer: I'm out of here. They have no insurance. What did you think, I'm gonna take 40% of this run-down dump of a house?
- Grandma Ida: 30% percent, and yes.
- Lawyer: Let me explain something to you. This house would fit in my house's garage, but then I'd have to park my Porsche in the driveway. Now, I don't mind tossing innocent people into the street. I just don't do it for free.
- [leaves the house]
- Malcolm: [to the camera while in a tent in the yard] Francis and Piama came to visit at the same time Grandma was here. Eight people, seven sleeping spaces. Guess who gets the shaft? This is my reward for being at the library when they asked for a volunteer.
- Dewey: What are you guys complaining about? All I ever had was being the youngest. Now I won't even have that!
- Francis: [to Piama] I told you my family was worse than your family.
- Piama Tananahaakna: Are you kidding? My grandpa chopped the pinky off our milkman for bringing us 2%
- Francis: [to Malcolm] Grandma's back. Mom wants you to help her unpack.
- Malcolm: This is unbelievable. It's all Reese's fault. If he'd just cleaned up the yard like he was supposed to, none of this would have happened.
- Francis: Malcolm, she slipped on a leaf. A tiny, single leaf. I wouldn't be surprised if she broke her collarbone on purpose just so she could stay here and torment us.
- Francis: [to Malcolm about Ida] What are you complaining about? I'm the one who had to carry her to the car with her dress hiked up over her hips. I went blind for almost 15 minutes!
- Piama Tananahaakna: [to Francis] My family's still worse. My mom faked stomach cancer so she wouldn't get custody.
- Hal: [to Ida] You're suing us?
- Lois: Hal, keep it down. The boys are in the house!
- Grandma Ida: Don't be so dramatic. I'm suing insurance company.
- Hal: Our insurance company!
- Grandma Ida: You don't think I have a case? You don't think I have pain that I have suffered? For years, I have suffered in silence.
- Francis: You useless, miserable, money-grabbing old hag!
- Grandma Ida: Keep talking, tough boy. I sue you too.
- Lois: [to Ida] Mom, we need to talk. We just got some interesting news from the doctor.
- Hal: Yes, uh, it's very good news. Well, kind of good news. Extreme news.
- Lois: I'm pregnant.
- Grandma Ida: You're joking.
- Lois: Believe me, we were as surprised as... as you are. You know, we're already stretched to the limit financially, and obviously, another baby is gonna make things even harder for us.
- Hal: Yes, so in light of that and the burden it's going to put on us, don't you think that certain actions should be re-examined?
- Grandma Ida: Yes, yes of course.
- [Hal & Lois breathe a sigh of relief]
- Grandma Ida: You should settle.
- Hal: What?
- Lois: Mom!
- Grandma Ida: It's for your own good. You can't keep your legs closed for 20 minutes, at least take good advice when you hear it.
- Malcolm: [when Francis kicks him out of the tent] I hope you're happy! Forcing your own brother out into the night in his underwear!
- Lois: What are we going to do? We're in debt up to our eyeballs as it is.
- Hal: Well, we're just going to have to cut back. No more vacations, stop going out to fancy restaurants for birthdays and it wouldn't kill us to stop wearing designer labels.
- Lois: Hal, whose life are you leading? We don't do any of that stuff.
- Malcolm: [when he finds out Lois is pregnant] Pregnant? Are you nuts? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard! How could you do that to me? To all of us, what the hell were you thinking?
- Francis: [to Malcolm] Mom made me promise not to tell you. For some reason, she was trying to protect Grandma.
- Malcolm: What does Grandma have to do with Mom being pregnant?
- Francis: What?
- Piama Tananahaakna: [to Lois] You're pregnant?
- Dewey: [screams] Nooooooooo!
- Francis: [to Lois and Hal] You're having another kid? What is wrong with you two? You have enough problems as it is!
- Lois: I can't believe you boys. This is how you react to wonderful news? This is a blessing! You should be ashamed of yourselves!