Malcolm in the Middle (TV Series)

Funeral (2000)

Bryan Cranston: Hal

Photos 

Quotes 

• Francis : [Francis is on the phone to Dewey]  How did she die?

  Dewey : Cats ate her face.

  Francis : Dewey, I think you're confused. I'm asking about Aunt Helen.

  Dewey : Cats ate her face.

  Francis : Put Mom or Dad on the phone.

  Hal : [Dewey hands the phone to Hal]  Hello?

  Francis : Dad, what happened to Aunt Helen?

  Hal : Cats ate her face. Here, Dewey knows more about it than I do.

  [hands the phone back to Dewey] 

• Hal : I have to get my speech ready.

  Lois : Honey, you know you don't have to talk at every funeral we go to.

  Hal : I wish that were true. You see how people look to me when they ask if somebody has a few words to say?

  Lois : They're not looking to you. They're looking at you.

  Hal : To, at. What's the difference?

• Lois : After all I do for this family. I cook, I clean, I spackle, I plunge and none of it means anything to any of you people. And the one time I ask you for something, something that I shouldn't even have to ask you for and all I get are complaints!

  Hal : Well, what about me, hmm? You think I want to be cleaning out the gutters when I could be surfing the beaches of Europe or... or cruising around on my hog?

  Lois : What hog?

  Hal : Ah-ha! Exactly. Where's my hog?

• Malcolm : I did a terrible thing today. I tore this family apart and I'm really sorry for that. But... it's not half as bad as what Reese did!

  [opens up Reese's backpack and pulls out the destroyed Mighty Man doll] 

  Lois : Oh, my God! Was this Dewey's present?

  Dewey : Present?

  Lois : Reese, how could you? Do you know how expensive this was? Hal?

  Hal : I'm on it. That was a terrible thing to do to your little brother.

  Malcolm : There's more. He was going to bury it with Aunt Helen.

  Hal : You were going to make Aunt Helen spend eternity with a crushed Mighty Man?

  Dewey : M-Mighty Man?

  Lois : I can't believe you.

  Hal : This is a whole new low, Reese.

  Reese : First of all, this is all circumstantial. I don't know how that thing got in my backpack. As for this Aunt Helen business, no one knows what I would've done at that funeral because we're not going.

  Lois : Who says we're not going?

  Reese : You did.

  Lois : Well, you can guess again. You are going to march right up to that coffin and apologize to that poor, dead woman.