M*A*S*H (TV Series)

Yankee Doodle Doctor (1972)

Alan Alda: Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce

Photos 

Quotes 

• Hawkeye : [Recorded at the end of the film Hawkeye and Trapper made]  Three hours ago, this man was in a battle. Two hours ago, we operated on him. He's got a 50-50 chance. We win some, we lose some. That's what it's all about. No promises. No guaranteed survival. No saints in surgical garb. Our willingness, our experience, our technique are not enough. Guns, and bombs, and anti-personnel mines have more power to take life than we have to preserve it. Not a very happy ending for a movie. But then, no war is a movie.

• Frank Burns : [practicing reciting for upcoming film]  "A group of brave men are at work in a make shift operating room struggling to save your sons and brothers while outside the dogs of war bark at the door of this sanctuary."

  Trapper : [Hawkeye barks like a dog]  Down, boy, down, down! Roll over. Jump through that.

  Frank Burns : "These are the saints in surgical garb, dedicated surgeons, all volunteers. Every red-blooded American knows, if he is wounded, he will be in the strong, capable hands of a Yankee Doodle Doctor."

  Hawkeye , Trapper : A Yankee Doodle Doctor? Stuck a feather in his nurse and called her macaroni.

  Frank Burns : You didn't like it?

  Hawkeye : Didn't like it? Let me count the ways.

  Margaret : That's hardly a constructive criticism.

  Hawkeye : Oh, you want a *constructive* criticism. You're right. How about, you stink! And so does this little movie show and Lieutenant Bricker.

  Frank Burns : Stinks? Oh, you, you...

  Hawkeye : Who you calling a you-you?

• Trapper : [repeating some of Clayton's dialogue]  'Every doctor here is a volunteer'?

  Hawkeye : When they came for me, I was hiding under the front porch trying to puncture my eardrum.

• Trapper : [after destroying all of Lt. Bricker's film]  Is that it?

  Hawkeye : Th-th-th-th-th-th-that's all, folks!

• Lt. Col. Henry Blake : Okay, why'd you do it?

  Trapper : Do what?

  Lt. Col. Henry Blake : Do what you did.

  Hawkeye : What are we supposed to have done that makes you ask if we've done what we did?

• Hawkeye : [as Yankee Doodle Doctor]  Tell me nurse, would you like to hop into the oxygen tent for a little heavy breathing?

• Hawkeye : [as Yankee Doodle Doctor]  Nurse, is that patient ready for surgery?

  Nurse Margie Cutler : Yes, Doctor.

  Hawkeye : Well, I'm certainly glad one of us is. Tell me something, did you take his pulse?

  Nurse Margie Cutler : Yes, Doctor.

  Hawkeye : I told you to take his wallet. First things first.

• Hawkeye : [as Yankee Doodle Doctor]  Let me have a scalpel.

  [Trapper opens his jacket] 

  Hawkeye : Don't get undressed. Just give me a scalpel.

  [Trapper hands him a rubber chicken] 

  Hawkeye : That's not a scalpel.

  [Trapper hands him a hammer] 

  Hawkeye : That's not a scalpel.

  [Trapper hands him a wood saw] 

  Hawkeye : Now, that's what I call a scalpel.

  [to Radar, on the table] 

  Hawkeye : If this hurts, you'll be the first one to know.

  Nurse Margie Cutler : Doctor, what about the anesthesia?

  Hawkeye : No, thank you. I prefer to be awake through this.

• Hawkeye : [as Yankee Doodle Doctor]  Wait a minute. Have you got a reservation?

  Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly : A reservation?

  Hawkeye : I'm afraid we're all booked up through New Year's.

  Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly : But, Doctor!

  Hawkeye : I'm sorry, kid. You shoulda booked ahead. Come to think of it, you shoulda booked the rest of the body as well.