- Henry Blake: Pierce, is there anything I can do to help?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: It's the first time I cried since I came to this crummy place. I don't understand that.
- Henry Blake: Well, Gillis was your friend. I mean, it's only natural that you'd, uh, you know.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Henry, I know why I'm crying now. Tommy was my friend, and I watched him die, and I'm crying. I've watched guys die almost every day. Why didn't I ever cry for them?
- Henry Blake: Because you're a doctor.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: The hell does that mean?
- Henry Blake: I don't know. If I had the answer, I'd be at the Mayo Clinic. Does this place look like the Mayo Clinic? Look, all I know is what they taught me at command school. There are certain rules about a war. And rule number one is young men die. And rule number two is, doctors can't change rule number one.
- [Hawkeye has just told Margaret that "Wendell" faked his age to get into the Army]
- Private Walter: I'm never gonna forgive you for this! Not for the rest of my life!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Let's hope it's a long and healthy hate.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Well, yes, Colonel, I've, um, put in for the Purple Heart.
- Henry Blake: But according to your accident report, you tripped in the mud on the way to the shower.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Yes.
- Henry Blake: Is that the way you want it announced at the award ceremony? Tripped in the mud on the way to the shower?
- Maj. Frank Burns: Well, well, I, I...
- Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Sir, this injury was sustained at a front-line unit. Technically that makes it battle-connected.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [entering] On that basis, we'll be handing out medals for social diseases.
- Maj. Frank Burns: What are you doing here, Pierce?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, I have a stethoscope fetish. This is the only place I can wear one without attracting attention. Henry, you're not going to endorse this idiot's application, are you?
- Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: That's Major to you, Captain!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Henry, you're not going to endorse this major idiot's application, are you?
- Henry Blake: Pierce, that's a decision I'll decide when I decide and make my, uh, uh, decision, and that will, uh, decide.
- [Radar interrupts Hawkeye's date with Lt. Griffin]
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Hot Lips, if you don't get out of here, I'll shoot you.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: It's not Hot Lips, it's Radar.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Radar, if you don't get out of here, I'll shoot Hot Lips.
- [Hawkeye and Trapper come upon Frank sprawled on the ground, with Margaret looking on nervously]
- Hawkeye: What's the matter, Frank?
- Maj. Frank Burns: It's my...
- Margaret: His back. It's his back.
- Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: How'd it happen?
- Maj. Frank Burns: Well, I...
- Margaret: [fibbing] Uh, he fell.
- Margaret: [pointing] On his way to the shower.
- Margaret: [pointing in another direction] He was coming from that direction.
- Margaret: [and another] From his tent, I guess.
- Margaret: [and another] Going in that direction.
- Margaret: [pointing once more] The showers.
- Hawkeye: And were you directing traffic at the time of the accident, officer?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I thought you had a fool-proof way to beat the draft.
- Tommy Gillis: Well, the recruiting sergeant peeked under my dress and here I am.