M*A*S*H (TV Series)

Sometimes You Hear the Bullet (1973)

Larry Linville: Maj. Frank Burns

Quotes 

• Maj. Frank Burns : Well, yes, Colonel, I've, um, put in for the Purple Heart.

  Henry Blake : But according to your accident report, you tripped in the mud on the way to the shower.

  Maj. Frank Burns : Yes.

  Henry Blake : Is that the way you want it announced at the award ceremony? Tripped in the mud on the way to the shower?

  Maj. Frank Burns : Well, well, I, I...

  Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan : Sir, this injury was sustained at a front-line unit. Technically that makes it battle-connected.

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : [entering]  On that basis, we'll be handing out medals for social diseases.

  Maj. Frank Burns : What are you doing here, Pierce?

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Well, I have a stethoscope fetish. This is the only place I can wear one without attracting attention. Henry, you're not going to endorse this idiot's application, are you?

  Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan : That's Major to you, Captain!

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Henry, you're not going to endorse this major idiot's application, are you?

  Henry Blake : Pierce, that's a decision I'll decide when I decide and make my, uh, uh, decision, and that will, uh, decide.

• [Hawkeye and Trapper come upon Frank sprawled on the ground, with Margaret looking on nervously] 

  Hawkeye : What's the matter, Frank?

  Maj. Frank Burns : It's my...

  Margaret : His back. It's his back.

  Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre : How'd it happen?

  Maj. Frank Burns : Well, I...

  Margaret : [fibbing]  Uh, he fell.

  Margaret : [pointing]  On his way to the shower.

  Margaret : [pointing in another direction]  He was coming from that direction.

  Margaret : [and another]  From his tent, I guess.

  Margaret : [and another]  Going in that direction.

  Margaret : [pointing once more]  The showers.

  Hawkeye : And were you directing traffic at the time of the accident, officer?