M*A*S*H (TV Series)
Sometimes You Hear the Bullet (1973)
Alan Alda: Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce
Photos
Quotes
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Henry Blake : Pierce, is there anything I can do to help?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : It's the first time I cried since I came to this crummy place. I don't understand that.
Henry Blake : Well, Gillis was your friend. I mean, it's only natural that you'd, uh, you know.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Henry, I know why I'm crying now. Tommy was my friend, and I watched him die, and I'm crying. I've watched guys die almost every day. Why didn't I ever cry for them?
Henry Blake : Because you're a doctor.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : The hell does that mean?
Henry Blake : I don't know. If I had the answer, I'd be at the Mayo Clinic. Does this place look like the Mayo Clinic? Look, all I know is what they taught me at command school. There are certain rules about a war. And rule number one is young men die. And rule number two is, doctors can't change rule number one.
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[Hawkeye has just told Margaret that "Wendell" faked his age to get into the Army]
Private Walter : I'm never gonna forgive you for this! Not for the rest of my life!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Let's hope it's a long and healthy hate.
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Maj. Frank Burns : Well, yes, Colonel, I've, um, put in for the Purple Heart.
Henry Blake : But according to your accident report, you tripped in the mud on the way to the shower.
Maj. Frank Burns : Yes.
Henry Blake : Is that the way you want it announced at the award ceremony? Tripped in the mud on the way to the shower?
Maj. Frank Burns : Well, well, I, I...
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan : Sir, this injury was sustained at a front-line unit. Technically that makes it battle-connected.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : [entering] On that basis, we'll be handing out medals for social diseases.
Maj. Frank Burns : What are you doing here, Pierce?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Well, I have a stethoscope fetish. This is the only place I can wear one without attracting attention. Henry, you're not going to endorse this idiot's application, are you?
Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan : That's Major to you, Captain!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Henry, you're not going to endorse this major idiot's application, are you?
Henry Blake : Pierce, that's a decision I'll decide when I decide and make my, uh, uh, decision, and that will, uh, decide.
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[Radar interrupts Hawkeye's date with Lt. Griffin]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Hot Lips, if you don't get out of here, I'll shoot you.
Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly : It's not Hot Lips, it's Radar.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Radar, if you don't get out of here, I'll shoot Hot Lips.
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[Hawkeye and Trapper come upon Frank sprawled on the ground, with Margaret looking on nervously]
Hawkeye : What's the matter, Frank?
Maj. Frank Burns : It's my...
Margaret : His back. It's his back.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre : How'd it happen?
Maj. Frank Burns : Well, I...
Margaret : [fibbing] Uh, he fell.
Margaret : [pointing] On his way to the shower.
Margaret : [pointing in another direction] He was coming from that direction.
Margaret : [and another] From his tent, I guess.
Margaret : [and another] Going in that direction.
Margaret : [pointing once more] The showers.
Hawkeye : And were you directing traffic at the time of the accident, officer?
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Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : I thought you had a fool-proof way to beat the draft.
Tommy Gillis : Well, the recruiting sergeant peeked under my dress and here I am.