- Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Colonel Andropolis has the thing flown in all the way from Greece, and now the damned lamb has flown the coop!
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Now that's a pretty neat trick.
- Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: U.N. Command in Seoul's called. Boy! Am I in Dutch with the Greeks.
- Captain John McIntyre: Heh, heh, heh, heh.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: The man's a fountain of straight lines.
- Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Go ahead and joke. I'm in trouble up to my whatsis. One more chewing out and my belly button will cave in.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Uh, Sir?
- Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Not now, Radar!
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Uh, it's about the lamb, Colonel.
- Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Where is it?
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Well, uh. I don't want you to get in trouble, Sir. But, uh, it's been set free.
- Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Well what horse's pa-toot did that?
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Um.
- [pause]
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: You did, Sir. You gave him a medical discharge this afternoon.
- Captain John McIntyre: [reading form] Private Charles Lamb.
- Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Radar! You tricked me!
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Well, I didn't wanna see him killed, Sir. I'd rather be barbecued myself with an apple shoved up my face!
- Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: I gave a discharge to a sheep!
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: He's on his way to Tokyo now.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: On Bo Peep Airlines.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: A buddy of mine will reroute him to Iowa to my folks. I already radioed them. They're expecting him.
- Captain John McIntyre: He can sleep in your room.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Your pants will just fit him.
- Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: I think I'm losing my mind.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Don't fight it, Henry.
- Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: I've got Command on my tail! And a hospital full of Greeks waiting on a lamb that's on a plane on his way to Iowa to become Radar's little brother!
- Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: [after finding out he signed a medical release for a lamb] I must be going crazy.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Don't fight it, Henry.
- Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: [on phone to Col. Andropoulos] For some reason the olives turned black!... .Oh!
- P.A. Announcer: Attention, all personnel: Please contact Colonel Blake if anyone knows the whereabouts of tonight's entrée. In the meantime, be on the lookout for a white Caucasian lamb. He is reported to be unarmed and considered to be delicious.
- Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: [serving a subsitute for the lamb] What is this?
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: It's a Spam lamb!
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Aren't you going to stop him?
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Not until the skin is roasted to crispy brown and there's a suggestion of pink inside.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: I love lambs, see? I'm your buddy. I mean, I don't love you like they love you, with peas and carrots.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: What's he going to do with that lamb?
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: If I know our cook, he's gonna make pork chops out of it.
- Frank Burns: Where are you going with all those vegetables?
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Uh, nowhere, Major. I was just fixing myself a little salad.
- Frank Burns: A little salad? You could hide in there till the war was over and nobody'd find you.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: The Greeks invented the Oedible complex. That's where a boy likes his mother's cooking better than eating out.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: I'm so neurotic, anything you say, you got a good chance of striking guilt.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: And you also signed an emergency leave for one of the men.
- Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Which one of the men?
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Uh, Private Charles Lamb.
- Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: I don't remember any Charles Lamb.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Oh yes, you know him, sir, short curly-haired guy.
- Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Short curly-haired...
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Yes, he had to take an emergency leave.
- Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Death in the family?
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Almost.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: [Answering the phone] Colonel Blake's office, the colonel's in conference, but if it's important I can wake him.
- Frank Burns: [Frank has learned that a soldier self-inflicted a wound] You little scum, you! Shooting yourself. You oughta be shot for that!