- Col. Sherman T. Potter: They keep inventing new ways to kill each other. Why can't they invent a way to end this stupid war?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: You cut onions with my Swiss Army Knife?
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: No, a Swiss Army officer did it.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Did you bump into anyone else?
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: Just Larry, Moe and Curly over in the Swamp.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: The gravy was better than usual tonight... you could cut it with a fork.
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: Major, I've never seen you in your summer uniform.
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: This is the real me
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: Sorry to hear that.
- Maj. Sidney Freedman: [waking up to the sounds of BJ and Hawkeye yelling at Charles] I don't believe it; this is where we said goodnight!
- Cpl.: Colonel, I have bad news that I have absolutely nothing to do with... the surgeons are tearing apart the Swamp from limb to limb.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: [Charles is cooking in the Swamp] Do you smell something, Hawk?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Yeah, and not the usual ambient stench.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Onions.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: And sardines. Charles!
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Hiya.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: I hate the taste of sardines, and they taste better than they smell.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Well, I never consult you in matters of taste, because you have none.