- Col. Sherman T. Potter: I'll see if there's somebody floating around in the typing pool we can use as a clerk pro tem.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Perish the thought. The very least I can do is perform this noble lad's duties whilst he's on the mend.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Well, that's mighty Samaritan of you, Major, but I don't see you as the typing type.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Ha! Colonel, you're just saying that because you think clerking is beneath me. Well, it is, but I insist.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Hmm. Well, seeing as how it's Klinger 1, Winchester nothing, I suppose I ought to give you a chance to even the score. Do you take shorthand?
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Of course not.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Do you know the filing system?
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Bite your tongue.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Can you make coffee?
- Maj. Charles Winchester: In an emergency.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: You just left Klinger in the dust. The job is yours.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Charles, why is it your clothes look slept in and your bed doesn't?
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Because I was up all night with a sick friend.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Is this the same friend to whom you pledged eternal gratitude just yesterday?
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Colonel, it seems like an eternity SINCE yesterday.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Max! How nice to see you up and about and looking so well.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: When lives are in the balance, a Klinger is always there, no matter how great the pain or injury, as you are well aware.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: I'm sure I won't forget it as long as you live.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: So Charles is fine, but Klinger has damage to over 50% of his body. He broke his nose.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Well, just a second. I'm not some kid with a toy doctor kit. I'm an M. D., just like you.
- Capt. Norman Traeger, M.D.: Oh, really? Really?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Yeah.
- Capt. Norman Traeger, M.D.: Well, have you been, uh, handling this type of case for the past 20 years in private practice?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Doesn't matter. Since I got here, I've had about 20 years' experience in private practice, corporal practice, and just plain major surgery. If it moves, I operate on it.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: And what is this doing here? Do I detect your fine hand in this too?
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Major Houlihan told me to put it there.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Oh, well, I can understand your misinterpreting her instructions. She probably gave them to you in words.