- Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Colonel...
- Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Major Burns is ready to assist.
- Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: What do you think I'm doing? Stalling 'til my room is ready?
- Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: I think it only fitting that a Captain be assisted by a Major when working on the son of a General, Colonel.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I think you just conjugated the Pentagon!
- Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: General Mitchell, it is both an honor and a privilege and a pleasure to welcome you to that which only through your magnanimous generosity are we able to be standing in the middle of it.
- Kwang Duk: May I serve you, sir?
- Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: You betcha. I've been dying for a banana daiquiri.
- Kwang Duk: Is that a drink, sir?
- Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Oh yeah. You just take, uh, some bananas, and some rum, and some cream and some crushed ice, and you just put it in a blender.
- Kwang Duk: [sighs] We've got no bananas, no rum, and no blender, sir, and only powdered cream.
- Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: OK, gimme a beer.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I'm gonna count to three and by the time I get to one, I want you out of here.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Mclntyre needs you in surgery.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I just came off 14 hours of surgery! If I cut open one more body, it'll be yours for waking me.