M*A*S*H (TV Series)

Officer of the Day (1974)

Alan Alda: Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce

Photos 

Quotes 

• Hawkeye : I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got into this war, I had a very clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns.

  [Frank snorts in disgust] 

  Hawkeye : I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash-and-carry, carry me back to Old Virginie, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun.

• Hawkeye : [Closing scene; dictating end-of-day report to Radar in LTC Blake's office]  The North Korean prisoner suspected of espionage, recovering satisfactorily, will be turned over to military intelligence... as soon as somebody can be found with military intelligence. Paragraph. Examined, diagnosed, and treated a total of five Kim Lucks, a new Kim Luck record I hope will stand for a long time. Paragraph. Property of Corporal O'Reilly returned. Father and teddy bear doing nicely.

  Trapper : [Trapper sticks his head in the door]  Hey, you guys wanna see the pinstripe suit of all time?

  Hawkeye : Yeah.

  [Trapper walks in the office. The stripes on the suit are horizontal instead of vertical] 

  Hawkeye : [laughing]  He's a great tailor, but with a lousy sense of direction.

  [laughing continues] 

• Hawkeye : [after being given a martini first thing in the morning]  My kidneys were expecting orange juice. Silly kidneys.

• Margaret : Captain Pierce, Major Burns, acting commander, and I, his adjutant, have been informed that you and Captain McIntyre have refuse to release Colonel Flagg's prisoner.

  Hawkeye : Meanwhile, Aunt Martha, having taken a tramp in the wood, is lying in a ditch at the edge of town.

• Margaret : If I didn't hate violence, I'd kick you.

  Hawkeye : Would you? With high heels?

• MP : [remands a sheepish Klinger in a formal evening gown] 

  Hawkeye : Klinger, Klinger, where did your mother and I go wrong?

• Hawkeye : [welcoming Col. Flagg back to the 4077th]  We still have one of your hidden mics in our latrine. We thought we'd make an album for you.

• Hawkeye : What's up, Radar?

  Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly : Well, indigenous personnels again, sir, requesting medical attention. That's his I.D. card.

  Hawkeye : What, did we advertise a weekend special?

  [Hawkeye reads card] 

  Hawkeye : "Kim Luck"? That's the second one we had today.

  Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly : That's the way it runs sometimes, sir.

  Hawkeye : [to Korean]  Can you identify yourself?

  2nd Korean : [thumps chest, smiling]  This is me.

  Hawkeye : Well, I guess you wouldn't kid me about a thing like that. Bring him to the hospital.

  Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly : Yes, sir.

  Hawkeye : This must be our Kim-Lucky day.

• Army Col. Samuel Flagg : [trying to track down his prisoner]  I wanna talk to your commanding officer.

  Hawkeye : You gonna execute him instead?

• Margaret : [Frank wants a war prisoner released to Colonel Flagg. A doctor must sign to release the prisoner; Frank and Margaret are goading Hawkeye and Trapper into signing the release]  Frank, *you* can sign for it! You're a doctor!

  Frank Burns : Hey, that's right! I *am* a doctor!

  Hawkeye : Your secret is safe with us, Frank.

  Trapper : His *patients* are definitely never going to find out.

• Army Col. Samuel Flagg : You gonna sign out my prisoner?

  Hawkeye : Colonel, I have a more important problem on my hands. One of our teddy bears is missing.

• Trapper : I do believe there's a new sheriff in town.

  Hawkeye : That's right, stranger. I'm gonna make everybody in this town do just what I want 'em to. I think I'll start with the girls.