- Dr. Sidney Freedman: Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: pull down your pants, and slide on the ice.
- Frank Burns: What I don't understand is why do people take an instant dislike to me?
- Captain John McIntyre: It saves time, Frank.
- Frank Burns: We got along fine... for the first two weeks.
- Captain John McIntyre: Exactly, Frank. That time was absolutely wasted.
- Frank Burns: [bombs heard in background] I hope we're giving it to 'em good, those little yellow reds.
- Hawkeye: Frank, you better take two yellow reds and go to sleep.
- Frank Burns: Oh, you like getting shot at, Dr. Goody Two-Shoes?
- Hawkeye: I just don't know why they're shooting at us. All we want to do is bring them democracy and white bread, transplant the American Dream: freedom, achievement, hyperacidity, affluence, flatulence, technology, tension, the inalienable right to an early coronary sitting at your desk while plotting to stab your boss in the back. That's entertainment!
- Frank Burns: Pierce, you are certifiably insane.
- Hawkeye: Gee, I can't understand why. Here I am, 20,000 miles from home working as an extra in a war movie with this guy's blood dripping into my boot. Nurse, you want to do something about that, or must I kiss you into submission?
- Lt. Ginger Bayliss: Right away, doctor.
- Hawkeye: That's not insane-making, Frank. Neither is bedding down every night with a flea circus, or eating food prepared by a cook who used to make box lunches for Kamikaze pilots, or getting so bored out my skull, I put on my dress uniform for a trip to the latrine!
- Frank Burns: Will you watch your language?
- Margaret: There are nurses present.
- Hawkeye: Oh, forgive me. I'd like to offer the nurses a blanket apology. Or even better, I'd like to offer them a blanket invitation.
- Frank Burns: Smut merchant.
- Henry Blake: Oh, pipe down, Burns.
- Frank Burns: Oh sure, always. You jump all over me, but he can say what he wants, and he gets away with it. Colonel's pet, that's what you are!
- Hawkeye: I'll get you at recess!
- Frank Burns: I'd squeal on anybody. Once, in school, I caught my best friend smoking. I didn't report him. Later, I snitched on myself for not snitching.
- Trapper: Gimme a break, Frank. I'm very tired - I'm hearing you through the wrong end of the binoculars.
- Hawkeye: I just don't know why they're shooting at us. All we want to do is bring them democracy and white bread. Transplant the American dream. Freedom. Achievement. Hyperacidity. Affluence. Flatulence. Technology. Tension. The inalienable right to an early coronary sitting at your desk while plotting to stab your boss in the back.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: I suppose you could run the war better than a five-star general?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: The Daily News only gave him four.
- P.A. Announcer: Attention, all personnel. Over 3,000 tons of scrap paper fell on General MacArthur in his homecoming parade in New York City.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: I hope some of it was in bundles.
- [last lines]
- P.A. Announcer: Attention, attention. All personnel may stand down. Armed Forces Radio reports that General Mark W. Clark has just been appointed commander of the U.N. Forces in Korea. General Clark succeeds General Ridgway, who succeeded General MacArthur. And that's the news, generally speaking. No one's succeeding us at all.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: We need more silk, Radar.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: We're all out, sir.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: All right. In my tent, under my bed, next to the milk bottle there's a package of sewing thread. Lorraine sent it to me. Go.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Yes, sir.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Colonel, ordinary thread for stitches?
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: It's either that or use the stapler in my office, Major.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: You okay? You look beat, sir.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: I feel like death on a soda cracker. How are we doing?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Well, we're running out of gowns, towels and 3-0 silk. Only thing we got plenty of is wounded.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Scrounge, Radar, scrounge.
- Patient: It's to my wife, Mary Ellen. You're the only one I ever loved and that girl in Tokyo didn't mean a thing to me. It was just one of those things.
- Father Francis Mulcahy: Go ahead.
- Patient: Same goes for that girl in Okinawa and those two in Honolulu.
- Captain John McIntyre: When did you find time to get wounded? Bye bye.
- [patient is put under anesthesia]
- Captain John McIntyre: Don't send it, Father. He's going to pull through, unless his wife gets that letter.