M*A*S*H (TV Series)

Major Fred C. Dobbs (1973)

Larry Linville: Maj. Frank Burns

Photos 

Quotes 

• Hawkeye : I almost forgot. It's time to listen to my favorite Armed Forces soap opera, "Just Plain MacArthur."

  [turns on tape recorder] 

  Frank Burns : Soap operas now. You're deteriorating by the minute.

  Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan : [recording]  I'll be devastated without you, you know that.

  Frank Burns : [recording]  I'll write you every day... faithfully!

  Frank Burns : "I'll write every day... faithfully." Listen to that drivel, that manure! You know, anyone who could listen to that...

  Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan : [recording]  Frank, you're crushing my 'mums.

  Frank Burns : Was that... that's... that's...

  Hawkeye : That's right. Nurse Drivel and Dr. Manure!

• Lt. Col. Henry Blake : [Frank staggers into Henry's office. He's covered with dirt from head to toe]  Frank, what happened to you?

  Frank Burns : Oh... I... fell down!

  Lt. Col. Henry Blake : Really! How many times?

• Trapper : It's a little chilly out there, how bout a drink?

  Hawkeye : If you need a reason to drink, you shouldn't.

  Trapper : A double or a triple?

  Hawkeye : How about the first quintuple martini in medical history? How about you Frank, one for the road?

  Frank Burns : I make it a point never to drink with strangers and as of right now, I don't know either one of you.

  Hawkeye : It's chilly in here too. Make Frank a Shirley Temple and put it on my tab.

  Frank Burns : You're nothing but common drunks.

  Hawkeye : That is a rumor started by people I've fallen over.

  Frank Burns : Laugh now, but when this war is over, I'll go back to my Country Club and my 30 foot yacht, and you two will be ship's doctors on a garbage scow somewhere.

  Hawkeye : The typical love/hate complex. Freud said it best when he said, "Never ask for light chocolates."

  Frank Burns : You're both a disgrace to the medical profession, let alone the United States Army.

  Trapper : He's beginning to soften.