- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Pierce! Ignore them, captain. I assume that you'll want to start with some biographical information?
- Capt. Tom Greenleigh: Well, I really don't have room for that. Just the facts.
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Oh, you w- of course. Well, I was born in upper Boston, where my family had lived for five generations...
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: In a modest, 20-room log cabin.
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Due to my background and breeding, it was inevitable that I attend the finest schools: Choate, Harvard...
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: The Massachusetts Institute of Snobbery...
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: [dressed up like Bette Davis] What a dump!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: The decorator's here.
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: [reviving a patient in cardiac arrest] Come on... damnit! Come on... come on... LIVE! That's an ORDER!
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: One of the suture lines is leaking... one of my suture lines
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Vascular silk.
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: I do- I don't know that could have happened.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Yes, you do.
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: ...Yes, I do.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Donald's tied up our joint account into a thousand legal knots, and my lawyers say there's nothing I can do about it.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: The scales of justice take time to balance.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Ah, Bull!
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: [Shrugs] Seemed like a good thing to say.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: I'm just so sick and tired of this whole divorce!