- Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Colonel Blake?
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Oh, Major Houlihan, Major Stoner...
- Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Major.
- Maj. Stoner: Major.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Major. Major Burns, Major Stoner...
- Maj. Frank Burns: Major.
- Maj. Stoner: Major.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Major Pierce...
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Major.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, I think we've made a major breakthrough here.
- Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [Frank's not involved in the complaint because he didn't sign] Why didn't you let him sign?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Let him? We begged him to! We begged him to do the right thing.
- [Frank thinks Hawkeye and Trapper are making lewd gestures]
- Frank Burns: Caught you!
- Trapper: At what?
- Frank Burns: Making one of your obscene gestures behind my back!
- Hawkeye: Which one?
- Frank Burns: You know, the one that...
- [Hawkeye and Trapper start laughing]
- Frank Burns: I don't think it's so all-fired sophisticated to walk around with a beard.
- Trapper: Oh you oughtta' try it sometime Frank. Women love it.
- Frank Burns: Oh I'll bet.
- Hawkeye: Really. Come here.
- [Frank walks over to him]
- Hawkeye: Kiss me.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [after being introduced to Maj. Stoner from the Inspector General's office] This is somewhat of a frightening honor.
- Gen. Crandell Clayton: Stoner? Oh yes, yes. He's doing a bang-up job for COMSERVPAC, in Honolulu.
- Trapper: Uh-oh.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Put all your fragments in your COMSERVPAC and smile, smile, smile.