M*A*S*H (TV Series)
Depressing News (1981)
Alan Alda: Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce
Photos
Quotes
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Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger : [Regarding Hawk's 'Foundation of the Washington Monument'] Excuse my impertinence, but if all these sticks were laid end to end... and they are... what would they be?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : They would be... and are... the foundation for the Washington Monument.
Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger : Don't they already have one of those some place?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : That one commemorates Washington the man, who crossed the Delaware and gave his wooden teeth. This one commemorates Washington the place, which sends us across the Pacific and gives us wooden legs.
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Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Half a million tongue depressors. Do you know how depressing that is?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut : Why do you always see the olive-drab side of things? The Army didn't intend to send them all here. You ever heard of a snafu?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Snafu, phooey. We wouldn't have this supply if they didn't think there would be a demand. Tongue depressors, doctors, soldiers... we're all the same.
[Picks up a depressor]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Trapper John goes. No problem, there's plenty more where he came from.
[Tosses it aside and picks up another]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : B.J. Hunnicutt. Same size, same shape.
[Picks up two more]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Frank Burns out, Winchester in. Only a hair's difference.
[Picks up another]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Henry Blake...
[snaps it in half]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Rest in peace, Henry. Incoming, Sherman Potter.
[sighs]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : My God. Hasn't this elimination tournament gone on long enough?
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Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : [Upon seeing the dozens of tongue depressor boxes] Oh, the new neighbors must be moving into that vacant tent down the block.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut : Gee, I hope they have some kids my age.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : There is no humor in this, gents. That dumb trucker just stuck us with five hundred thousand tongue depressors.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut : [laughing] No wonder you look so down in the mouth.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Five hundred thousand?
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : I'm getting too old for this. I should've taken the severance pay in '28, started that dude ranch. Damn zoning laws.
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Father Francis Mulcahy : Me, advertise? Huh! I can think of better ways of spending two dollars.
Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger : It's not spending. It's investing. With the flock that's gonna come flocking in, you'll need a duffel bag for a collection plate.
Father Francis Mulcahy : Oh, very well, Klinger. I'll take the ad.
Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger : Terrific.
Father Francis Mulcahy : Always willing to help an enterprising young man get a start.
Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger : I got the whole thing beautifully designed in my head. I'll tell you how it comes out.
Father Francis Mulcahy : Won't I be able to see it?
Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger : You want to see it! Oh, foolish me. I completely forgot to mention subscriptions.
Father Francis Mulcahy : Subscriptions?
Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger : Glad you asked. Because I like you, I'm instituting a man-of-the-cloth discount. My special pearly rates: two dollars a month or twenty-five dollars a year.
Father Francis Mulcahy : All right! All right, all right. Here's another two dollars.
Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger : Thank you, Father. One more dollar, and we're even.
Father Francis Mulcahy : What? I thought you said two dollars a month!
Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger : That's for subscriptions. Now I gotta raise the advertising rate. Circulation just doubled.
Father Francis Mulcahy : Klinger, how would you like to see your circulation cut off?
Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger : Wonderful. See? Another satisfied customer.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Congratulations. You've just committed a very original sin.