- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [writing a letter to his dad] It's very quiet at the moment, Dad. The only man in sight is Radar O'Reilly, an amazing kid. I've never put much stock in E.S.P. but if it is possible for one person to read another person's mind Radar has that ability, the little fink.
- [Radar passes by]
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Is that a nice thing to say?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Knock knock.
- Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Who's there?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Abe Lincoln.
- Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Abe Lincoln who?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Don't you know me?
- [laughs hysterically]
- Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: That's awful.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Wait, can I do another one?
- Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: No!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Knock knock.
- Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Who's there?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Thomas Jefferson.
- Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Thomas Jefferson who?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Was Abe Lincoln just here?
- [laughs even more hysterically]
- Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Hawkeye, I've never liked you.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Klinger comes into the Swamp wearing a white wedding dress] Uh, Klinger... do you mind a little constructive criticism?
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: No, sir.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: First of all, it's gorgeous. It's easy to go overboard with one of those things, but that's tasteful without being gaudy.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Thank you, sir.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Just one suggestion: You must wear a slip! With the sun behind you, I can see clear through to your shorts.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Of course! And I've got so many slips in my tent.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: [Hawkeye walks into the mess tent stark naked] Now *that's* tasteful without being gaudy!
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: Can't you ever be serious?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I tried it once, but everybody laughed.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: A white wedding gown?
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: I'm entitled. I'm a virgin.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [drinking] Frank, go slow, that stuff'll take the paint off your stomach.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: That says that I passes my final exam.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: How do I know you passed your final exam?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: You must, sir, you signed it.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Go away. This young lady of the nurse persuasion and I are discussing the possibility of a surrender. She's giving me her terms right now.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [about to play an upright bass, to the pianist] Give me an M.
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: Is that a martini?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: In case you didn't read the paper today, Prohibition was repealed.
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: Well, I want one.
- Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: [Hawkeye and Trapper are taken aback] A drink? You, Frank?
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: A double.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Frank, if you have a drink, you'll loosen up. You might even smile. Frank, you could break your face!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You want to talk about it?
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to think about talking about it.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [Proctoring Radar's diploma exam] All right, Radar. Take a piece of paper and a pencil and sit down. Comfortable?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: C-O-M-F-O-R...
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: No no, that's just a rhetorical question!
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Oh. I don't study those.
- [Frank Burns walks into the Swamp, slamming the door]
- Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Hiya, Chuckles!
- [Frank removes his hat, and throws it down]
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I gotta hand it to you, Frank... you've got all the gaiety of an impacted wisdom tooth.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: First question: What is a three-sided object with two equal sides?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: [Writing] The Gettysburg Address...
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: For which speech is Abraham Lincoln most remembered?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: [Writing] The isosceles triangle...
- [Henry glowers at Radar]
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Something wrong?
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: No no, no. Your answers are right. You just memorized them in the wrong order!
- Father Francis Mulcahy: [Standing up from weeding his garden] Oh, ow!
- Captain Casey: Father? Is everything all right?
- Father Francis Mulcahy: It's my back.
- Captain Casey: Did you throw it out?
- Father Francis Mulcahy: No, but I'd sure like to!
- Captain Casey: I'd just like to thank you for everything you did... and everything you didn't!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: In a place crawling with characters, you certainly held your own, "doctor."
- Captain Casey: No... not anymore.
- [Pierce notices the cross pinned on Casey's lapel]
- Captain Casey: Goodbye, my son!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: The provost marshal has a circular out on you. You're hot, fella.
- Captain Casey: You gonna blow the whistle?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Be off the base in 24 hours, and never - repeat, NEVER - touch a patient again without a license. And contact me the minute you get one. You're a damn good surgeon.
- Captain Casey: On the level?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Next to you, Frank Burns is an alterations lady!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin Hawkeye Pierce: 3-0 silk.
- Lt. Ginger Bayliss, RN: [Handing it to him] 3-0 silk.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin Hawkeye Pierce: Suture scissors.
- Lt. Ginger Bayliss, RN: Suture scissors.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin Hawkeye Pierce: Snoo.
- Lt. Ginger Bayliss, RN: Snoo? What's snoo?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin Hawkeye Pierce: Nothing much. What's new with you?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin Hawkeye Pierce: I gotta ask you one question.
- Captain Casey: Why? Well, I've passed myself off as a teacher, a lawyer, an engineer... I can do it all. I just never had the patience to go through it by the numbers. I guess I never had the drive to get the diploma, the permit, whatever.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin Hawkeye Pierce: Try it once. You'll be great, Casey!
- Captain Casey: Schwartz, actually!