- Army Capt. Halloran: [sitting down beside Cpl. Klinger, and seeing him in drag for the first time] Hey... Up close, you're a guy!
- Cpl. Klinger: Far away too.
- Hawkeye: Okay, moving right along now, dealer's choice, five card stud. Sidney, what's the psychiatric basis for gambling?
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: Sex.
- Hawkeye: Why?
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: I don't know. They told me to say it. Sex is why we gamble, sex is why we drink, sex is why we give birth.
- Hawkeye: Thank you, Doctor.
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: I'm taking a five-dollar chip. That was a house call.
- Army Capt. Halloran: [about Klinger] What about her?
- Capt. Sam Pak: She's my wife.
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: Interesting joke, Sam.
- Capt. Sam Pak: [tosses him a chip] Thanks for seeing me, Sidney.
- Hawkeye: [after a patient starts shooting in the compound] Sidney, front and center.
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: I'm not going out there without a bulletproof couch.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [Examining the x-rays of the elderly Korean man Radar supposedly hit with a jeep] Well, there's no broken bones. Everything's right where it ought to be.
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Are you sure, sir?
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Radar, I might not be the best surgeon in the world, but I can read an x-ray with one eye tied behind my back. The only thing wrong with him is some calcification around his joints, which isn't surprising. He was probably born two years before Moses.
- Pvt. Carter: You've got no clothes on.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Well I like to take them off when I have a shower.
- Capt. Sam Pak: [Radar has allegedly struck a Korean with a Jeep, and the man wants money from him] Well, you know what you got there, Henry. You got the famous Whiplash Wang.
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: If you want a drink, sir, - compliments Henry Blake - brandy, scotch, vodka. And for your convenience, all in the same bottle.
- Army Capt. Halloran: What was that?
- Maj. Frank Burns: He's pretending to be violent.
- Army Capt. Halloran: Good imitation.
- Frank Burns: [about Capt. Halloran joining "The Conference"] Amazing! Anyone who comes in here is instantly corrupted!
- Hawkeye: Hurry up, Frank. The good ship Lollipop is leaving.
- Henry Blake: [Hawkeye and Sidney are joking around off camera] Are we here to play cards or chew the fat?
- Capt. Sam Pak: If I want to chew the fat, I'll eat a sandwich.
- [an angry soldier is firing a weapon in the compound]
- Henry Blake: Radar, what's going on?
- Radar: It's a patient, sir. He blew his cork.
- Hawkeye: Sidney, front and center.
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: I'm not going out there without a bulletproof couch.
- Maj. Frank Burns: [Walks in on the poker game] Well, looks like the "Conference" is in full swing.
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: Hello, Frank. What's new on the Mount?
- Capt. Sam Pak: Read any good commandments lately?
- Klinger: ["The Conference" is under way] Five clams.
- Trapper: I'm out.
- Henry Blake: I'm in.
- Hawkeye: I wonder what the chances are of my getting the fifth Jack? Oh well not to worry.
- [Calls]
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: Your five, and up five.
- Klinger: That's mean.
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: I'm gonna beat the pants off ya, lady.
- Trapper: Hey! Where'd we get the kosher salami?
- Capt. Sam Pak: I brought it! A little girl I knew at Berkley sent it. She's a yenta now.
- Klinger: All right, all right. Here we go. Down and dirty!
- [deals the next cards]
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: [groaning at his hand] Aiyeeeee!
- Hawkeye: What's your problem, poker face?
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: I'm "committing suicide."
- Henry Blake: Go out in turn, Sidney. Whoops, just found something... but i'll check.
- Hawkeye: Hey, I bought the fifth Jack... i'm out.
- Klinger: Dealer bets ten bucks!
- [tosses in the bet]
- Klinger: Colonel?
- Henry Blake: [Radar enters behind him trying to get his attention, Blake is fondling his chips] Let's see here.
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: Fondling your chips is very infantile.
- Henry Blake: Not now, Sidney.
- Radar: But sir...
- Henry Blake: Not now, Radar.
- Radar: Yeah, but sir...
- Henry Blake: Radar, whatever it is, sign it, cancel it, or order five more!
- Radar: Sir?
- Hawkeye, Dr. Sidney Freedman, Army Capt. Halloran, Trapper, Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Yes?
- Radar: Colonel sir?
- Army Capt. Halloran: [Hawkeye is collecting contributions to pay off the man who's pretending Radar hit him with a Jeep] Hey, this is blackmail, you know. Maybe I ought to run him in.
- Hawkeye: Maybe you will on your way home.
- Maj. Frank Burns: You did it, didn't you? Operated on the CID man?
- Hawkeye: Yeah, we decided to save his life for kicks.
- P.A. Announcer: Will Doctors Pierce and McIntyre kindly return to the conference. They need your money.
- Trapper: Where'd we get the kosher salami?
- Capt. Sam Pak: I brought it. A little girl I knew at Berkley. She's a yenta now.