- Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [speaking to the nurses] Alright, girls. Attention please. Now, I will give you the preliminary exam and then the doctors will go to work on you. Bear in mind that you are the cream of American military womanhood... serving your Uncle Sam, and entitled to dignity. No smart remarks, no insinuations, sex- or smut-wise. You are women, desirable women... most of you. But army regulations forbid any doctor to assist you from undressing into disrobement. Further, they can do nothing, NOTHING when you are alone with them but give you a good going over. Now, when I call your name, please scream.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [They both think Trapper is going home] Thanks, Trap.
- Captain John McIntyre: What?
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: You made it bearable. I was lucky. You were honest, and open. You let me lean on you.
- Captain John McIntyre: No charge.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: They said they don't send you home with an ulcer. After you're cured at Tokyo General, they ship you off to another unit.
- Captain John McIntyre: I could wind up in a place worse than this? There's NO place worse than this!
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [as Radar takes off multiple layers of clothing] There IS a you under there, isn't there?
- [as Radar continues peeling layers]
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Did somebody naked scare you once, Radar?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Uh, my folks never took off their clothes, sir - they said that the skin was the Devil's slipcover.