- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [complaining about being overworked] If I don't get away from this place for a while, I'm gonna start picking flowers off the wallpaper.
- Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Let go.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I had a dream last night that I was asleep, and I dreamt it while I was awake!
- Maj. Frank Burns: [Hawkeye is elaborately eating while in surgical garb] All right, what's all that funny business there?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: There's nothing funny here to me, Frank. I happen to be very serious about this *delicious* piece of liver.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Liver? Where'd you get liver? They're serving hamburger.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: This is mine and you can't have any.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Okay, okay. But where did you get it?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: From that North Korean.
- Maj. Frank Burns: What North Korean?
- [beat]
- Maj. Frank Burns: You mean the one that...
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: The one that croaked!
- [Frank moves forward and moves the plate slightly to get a better look]
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [outraged] You touched my plate! You're not sterile! You've ruined my liver! Ruined it! And we're all out of North Koreans!
- [Trapper moves forward and slaps Hawkeye across the face]
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I don't think I needed that.
- Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Radar, take him back to the Swamp and give him the *blue* pills.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Yes, sir.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [to Frank] Flithy liver thief!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: In a few hours I'll be in the arms of somebody I don't even know yet.
- Captain Phillip G. Sherman: Colonel, I'm taking him with me to Tokyo tomorrow.
- Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: You're gonna what?
- Captain Phillip G. Sherman: I think Captain Pierce can use a few weeks of observation.
- Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Well, wait a minute. I mean, what if I never get him back?
- Captain Phillip G. Sherman: We'll do the best we can
- Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: This is the Army. Nobody can do the best they can.