- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: In a few minutes we're going to be decobbing corn, thanks to you and your khaki thumb.
- Father Mulcahy: Don't I know it. All week I've been dreaming of getting butter on my cheeks, juice on my shirt, and a niblet wedged between two molars.
- [walks up to the table]
- Father Mulcahy: Where is the corn?
- Cpl. Igor Straminsky: You're looking at it. The mushy stuff.
- Father Mulcahy: You... You creamed it!
- [on the verge of tears]
- Father Mulcahy: You... you ninny!
- Cpl. Igor Straminsky: [everybody yells at Igor] I was just trying to be helpful. Next Fourth of July you can eat it on the cob for all I care.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Here's to the New Year. May she be a damn sight better than the old one, and may we all be home before she's over.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Let me ask you something. How much do you know about building a kidney machine?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Absolutely nothing.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Neither do I. So how do we know we can't make one?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Are you crazy? When Dr. Kolff invented it, he was at a university. He had facilities. He had funding. He had a research team.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Yeah, but we got something he didn't have. We got Dr. Kolff to copy from. Follow me and bring your library card.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: [Hawkeye and B.J. are wrapped in blankets in front of a plastic fireplace] The numbness is leaving my toes.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Yeah. Mine are all wiggly again.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Boy, there's nothing like a real fake fire.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Thanks to this, now it's like summer in here.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: [in shorts and a T-shirt, drenched in sweat] Gentlemen, the snow pageant is fatuous and unamusing. It serves only as a reminder that it is hot.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: [throwing off the blankets, revealing a Hawaiian shirt] You know, he's right. It doesn't work without the plastic marshmallows.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Charles! You wanna get a part of this? You! The man who asked how many carats there are in a baseball diamond.