M*A*S*H (TV Series)

38 Across (1977)

Mike Farrell: Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt

Quotes 

• B.J. : Well, we managed to kill another five minutes of the war.

  Hawkeye : Wanna catch a rat and make it a pet?

  B.J. : Nah. It's not fair to the rat to keep it in a small furnished apartment.

  Hawkeye : You kept a cockroach.

  B.J. : It was paper-trained.

• B.J. : It's all a misunderstanding.

  Col. Potter : Getting an admiral here for a crossword puzzle? You guys are one for the book.

  Hawkeye : I'm sorry.

  B.J. : He's sorry.

  Col. Potter : You were sorry when you gave Major Burns a chocolate-coated lizard.

  Hawkeye : It was Easter.

• B.J. : Okay, it's your turn. Tell me a fantasy.

  Hawkeye : Picture, if you will, a crisp winter afternoon. You by a crackling fire in a smoking jacket.

  B.J. : Mmm. What color?

  Hawkeye : Red... with blue satin lapels. And a zipper down the back.

  B.J. : What for?

  Hawkeye : You'll see. There's a light tapping at the door. "Who's there?" you say, checking your zipper. You saunter to the door, straightening your ascot... and casually slide back the bolt.

  B.J. : Come on! Who is it?

  Hawkeye : Lana Turner.

  B.J. : Wearing?

  Hawkeye : An angora sweater... with a zipper down the back.

  B.J. : What for?

  Hawkeye : You'll see.

  B.J. : Go on.

  Hawkeye : She throws her arms around you. But you push her away!

  B.J. : I push her away? For what?

  Hawkeye : Your smoking jacket is covered with angora lint. In a fit of pique, she leaves.

  B.J. : That's it? The end?

  Hawkeye : That's it.

  B.J. : But what about the zippers down the back?

  Hawkeye : They didn't catch on.

  B.J. : Oh, I don't believe it! I had Lana Turner in a fantasy with a sweater with a zipper down the back and I let her get away?

  Hawkeye : You always were short on zip.

  B.J. : [whines] 

• B.J. : [Klinger enters post-op, holding his stomach and groaning]  Klinger, what is it?

  Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Something I ate.

  Hawkeye : I told you the food here should not be taken internally.

  Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : I had a couple of bolts, a horn button, part of a windshield wiper and a condenser.

  B.J. : Well-balanced meal.

  Hawkeye : But crazy.

  Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Not crazy enough.

  B.J. : I get it.

  [to a nurse] 

  B.J. : Baker, X-ray the Lebanese for hardware. He's in for a tune-up.

  Hawkeye : And try not to rattle when you walk.

• Maj. Frank Burns : Why don't you guys like me, huh?

  Hawkeye : Because you're a lousy doctor and a rotten person.

  Maj. Frank Burns : Aside from that.

  B.J. : Well, there's your pimples.

  Maj. Frank Burns : My pores won't close!

• Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly : Did Moses speak Yiddish?

  B.J. : Only when playing pinochle.