- Lou Grant: I got a call this morning from a guy who figured out a way to run his car on apple brandy. He says the oil companies and the FBI are buying up all the apple brandy to put him out of business.
- Art Donovan: Apple brandy? Isn't brandy more expensive than gasoline? And why apple brandy, why not pear brandy or plum wine or aquavite?
- Lou Grant: All good questions. Next time he calls, I'll let you talk to him.
- Charlie Hume: [Lou has found some kind of romance novel on his computer] Boy, this stuff is really putrid. What are we gonna do?
- Animal: Go on to the next page.
- Charlie Hume: Good idea...
- Charlie Hume: I wonder what happened to her between Armand and Sergei...
- Lou Grant: Plenty, if she's going in alphabetical order.
- Vern Eggly: The reason I asked you all here is: I think I know where the mystery memoirs are coming from and I think we have a suspect.
- Lou Grant: Colonel Mustard.
- Art Donovan: In the library.
- Charlie Hume: With the candlestick.
- Vern Eggly: Ok, ok, now, now, now what do we know? One: someone on the Trib is writing cheesy, sexy memoirs. Two: no editor has assigned anyone to write cheesy, sexy memoirs. Three: the retrieval code is close enough to our computer language, so that the cheesy, sexy memoirs have been showing up on Lou's terminal and later on Adam's.
- Lou Grant: Vern, just tell us who's writing the cheesy, sexy memoirs.
- Vern Eggly: Don't you wanna hear how I figured it out?
- Charlie Hume: No.
- Vern Eggly: You really want me to just, tell you?
- Lou Grant: Yeah.
- Vern Eggly: It's Joe Rossi.
- Lou Grant: [stands up] Rossi?
- Art Donovan: Ok, Vern, I wanna know how you know that.
- Vern Eggly: I just walked by his terminal, he's doing it right now.
- Terry Mills: h, did Christine marry Dirk, or did she run off with his brother?
- Edna Raines: Oh, Dirk got tuberculosis right before the wedding...
- Edna Raines: Oh...
- Edna Raines: ...and now she's nursing him back to health, and Dirk's brother is having an affair with little Kevin's governess.
- Terry Mills: What did I tell you?
- Edna Raines: Uhuh, you called it.