The L Word (TV Series)

Lies, Lies, Lies (2004)

Leisha Hailey: Alice Pieszecki

Quotes 

• Alice : [Tina is urinating on a strip for her pregnancy test]  How do you not pee on your hand?

  Tina : You just aim below the clit.

  Alice : Oh, really?

  Tina : Yeah, where did you think pee came out of?

  Alice : I dunno, there's a lot going on down there.

• [arguing with the hotel manager about her mother's outstanding credit bill] 

  Alice : Look, why don't I just pay what my mom owes you so she can get her luggage out of her room and check herself out of here. Now, how much does she owe you?

  Hotel Manager : Well, I have a printout of the bill right here. That will be $5,968.42.

  Alice : [stunned]  I'm sorry... could you repeat...

  Hotel Manager : Five-thousand... nine-hundred... sixty-eight dollars... and forty-two cents. Will that be cash, check or credit card?

  Alice : [grabs the bill and looks at it]  What? This is outrageous! How can one person spend over five thousand dollars on a hotel room?

  Hotel Manager : [points to the bill]  Well, let's see. She stayed in the Super Star Suite, our most luxurious room. The suite is $950 a night, plus tax. She was here for five nights. She ordered room service five or six times a day, and she made a few phone calls.

  [Alice begins fumbling through her purse looking for her credit cards] 

  Alice : [quietly to herself]  Oh, Mother...