The L Word (TV Series)

Labia Majora (2006)

Leisha Hailey: Alice Pieszecki

Quotes 

• Alice : I'm Alice Pieszecki and you're listening to the chart on KCRW. Welcome back. Tonight we are talking about the connection between love and the senses.

  [short pause] 

  Alice : Your lover kisses you, and you feel a tremor in the back of your knees. The synapses fire sending orders, move your legs move your arms... she's the one for you, she's the... girl of your dreams, she's your one and only. And you know because... the smell of her makes your head swim because you get a physical jolt every time she sends a glance your way. I mean she touches you here

  [puts hand on lower neck] 

  Alice : and you feel it... here

  [touches inner thigh] 

  Alice : You touch her... anywhere, and you feel it... everywhere. And then... boom. It's six months later and she's... touching someone else. And you might say "Hey... All relationships end, lovers leave, leaving a labyrinth of... heartache and betrayal. For example, my first boyfriend left me for a voluptuous... former lesbian named April, who I then wound up having a rebound affair with, but... We could also talk about Gabbi. Otherwise known as lesbian ex of point of origin for an entire geographical substratum of lesbian linkages. Including... Lara. Yes that same Lara, we love her... Lara the larcenist... Lara the liberator. Lara the, the new true love of... of Dana

  [takes out and opens a bottle of pills] 

  Alice : ...and, yeah, I mean Dana who told me she needed... she needed closure, closure with Lara.

  [pause] 

  Alice : Well, it's six months later... and I'm still waiting for it to close.

• [on her relationship with Anjelica] 

  Alice : I'm her Earth-mother. I guess I'd be her godmother, except I don't believe in God.

• Helena Peabody : [on the phone]  I'm buying a movie studio, Alice.

  Alice : [on the phone]  That's great. But I really can't talk right now.

• Carmen de la Pica Morales : [about Kit's menopause]  You are still going to be doing the hanky panky until the cows come home. Okay? Okay.

  Alice : I sense there are some happy projections in there. Feel better!

  Bette Porter : Deep the chip?

  Tina Kennard : Bang the box!

  [laughs] 

  Carmen de la Pica Morales : Sweep out the chimney

  Shane McCutcheon : Stress that leather

  Alice : Bump the uglies.

  Carmen de la Pica Morales : Do the ugly dip-a-duh.

  Bette Porter : Shake the sheets.

  Alice : Crack an egg.

  Bette Porter : Get some skank on the hank. A little bank.

  [everyone laughs] 

  Alice : Ride the baloney-pony.

  Kit Porter : Give my dog a bone.

  [laughing] 

  Tina Kennard : Suck the oyster baby.

  Carmen de la Pica Morales : Put some beef in your taco!

  [everyone laughs] 

  Shane McCutcheon : Bite that beef buster get town.

  Carmen de la Pica Morales : That was so sexy. Oh, I'm so glad you said that one.

  [everyone laughs] 

  Kit Porter : Try the lip between the hips.

  Shane McCutcheon : Fur the monkey.

  Tina Kennard : Feed the oyster.

  Alice : Skinny biscuit.

  Shane McCutcheon : Cooter and cherry pie. Oh, what about the hot cha?

  Carmen de la Pica Morales : Hairy goblin.

  Carmen de la Pica Morales : Fuck it in the grand cannon.

  Kit Porter : Oh, here's another one. Fish Taco.

  Shane McCutcheon : Oh, I got to go with cream collector.

  [listen to the end, there's too many to name already]