- Cute Boy God: Oh, Joan, it would have been so much easier if you just read the book. Now I'm gonna have to send you to the basement.
- Joan: You mean like, Hell?
- Cute Boy God: No, I mean, like, the basement. There's one in the school. Check it out.
- [Joan calls her mom when she realizes the package is COD]
- Mailwoman God: Uh-uh. You've got twelve dollars in your pocket you were gonna to use to buy a frappucino and a muffin when you skip history class after lunch. Which by the way, do not do that.
- Kevin: Joan, can I borrow your hairdryer so I can look extra handsome for my job interview at weiner world?
- Joan: [Joan sees Cute Boy God sitting on a school desk] What are you doing? You can't be here.
- Cute Boy God: Hmm, and yet I am. Walk with me.
- Joan: No. People are gonna see me.
- Cute Boy God: Yes, they will. That optic nerve was an inspired idea, wasn't it?
- Joan: I meant that they'll see you.
- Cute Boy God: Yeah I've noticed that this looks turns a lot of heads.
- Joan: It's called being hot.
- Joan: There's nothing to eat.
- Helen Girardi: Keep looking. There may be something hidden behind all that food.
- Will: [on the phone] Yes, sir. I-I understand, but I assure you, my guys are on it.
- Joan: "Sir"? Who does he call "sir"?
- Luke Girardi: His boss.
- Joan: He doesn't have a boss.
- Luke Girardi: Sure he does. The commissioner, the mayor, Attorney General, mom.
- Joan: Oh, god. You are just a three-ring circus, aren't you?
- Mailwoman God: Okay, price went up. Give me the whole twelve.
- Joan: What are you gonna do with money?
- Mailwoman God: It's not what I'm gonna do with it. It's what you're gonna do without it.
- Joan: Any guess as to when this is going to end? First a job at a bookstore, then AP Chemistry... how do you top that?
- Mailwoman God: You don't have to accept the package, you know.
- Joan: Oh, yeah, okay. And I could also take the blue pill. Hand it over.
- Mailwoman God: [exchanging the package for the money] In me you trust. Not entirely true.
- Lt. Michael Daghlian: [Will sees Charlotte in his office] She's a psychic.
- Will: Not in my office she's not.
- Principal Stephen Chadwick: Joan, I have to admit, I was concerned when you wanted to take AP Chem. But recent events prove that you have some scientific talent of which only you were aware, and we're happy you're finding a way to express it.
- Joan: What are you talking about?
- Mr. Poplin: Your abilities in the game of chess border on genius.
- Helen Girardi: Why didn't you tell anyone? Did Luke teach you?
- Joan: Nobody taught me. It was an accident.
- Mr. Poplin: You beat our highest-ranked player in six moves.
- Joan: I didn't mean to.
- Sophie: We need to talk.
- Joan: About what?
- Elyse: Your behavior.
- Sophie: It's so not cool. Flirting with Dax in the hall for everyone to see? Lynnie cried all through World Geography.
- Elyse: Stealing someone's boyfriend does not look good on the social résumé.
- Joan: I did not flirt with him. He came up to me.
- [seeing they don't believe her]
- Joan: You know what? Bite me.
- Luke Girardi: Can you just leave my sister alone?
- Sophie: Back off, pinhead.
- Luke Girardi: Hey! That's "Mr. Pinhead" to you.
- Joan: You know what? I don't care about Dax Hibbing or Lynnie Carmichael or my social résumé or who's gay or who's not. I can't spend my time on this planet worrying about that stuff. There's other things to do.
- Elyse: Like what? Chemistry and chess?
- Joan: Yeah. Like that. Now, those guys may be nerds, but at least they know what they're here for.
- Luke Girardi: [Sophie and Elyse leave] You called me a nerd.
- Joan: It was a metaphor.
- Kevin: [startled by Joan] Don't startle the cripple. My fight or flight impulse is very confused. What were you doing?
- Joan: I was imagining I was in a coma. It's not so bad. I hate school. I have no friends. I can't fit in. I don't know who I like. I'm miserable, and I-I've got this-this... *zit* in my ear. Ow.
- Kevin: Yeah, I didn't need to know that last part, but... I have to concur, high school sucks.
- Charlotte Bloom: What is your problem? Huh?
- Will: Well, I'm glad you asked. My problem is that every minute we're spending here is a minute we're not spending in a constructive process which might actually yield results.
- Charlotte Bloom: You have a better idea?
- Will: Yes, I do. Let's go back to the station where we do these wacky procedures, like follow up on witnesses and evidence and wade through about a hundred calls a day on the tip hotline, and if any of those tips are good, we bring the person in and interview 'em. We've actually found missing kids this way.
- Charlotte Bloom: You haven't found this one.
- Will: Are we done here?
- Helen Girardi: I don't know if you remember me.
- Father Ken Mallory: Yes.
- Helen Girardi: Oh, good. I'm late for work. I just have a quick question.
- Father Ken Mallory: I actually have a parish, you know, and an office. And an assistant.
- Helen Girardi: I'm sure, but, uh, this will just take a second.
- Father Ken Mallory: The question of suffering goes all the way back to the fall from grace. There isn't a parking lot version.
- Helen Girardi: No, this is a whole other subject. This is about miracles.
- Father Ken Mallory: Oh, no.