Joan of Arcadia (TV Series)

The Devil Made Me Do It (2003)

Amber Tamblyn: Joan Girardi

Quotes 

• Joan Girardi : You think I'm happy? Adam hates me. He's never gonna talk to me again. Did you see the way people were looking at me in the hall? They think I'm insane!

  Will Girardi : What did you think would happen? What possible justification could you have for going berserk?

  Helen Girardi : She wanted to keep her boyfriend in school.

  Joan Girardi : What? Mom, no, Adam is not my boyfriend. I didn't want to wreck his sculpture. I... I left it too late, and I couldn't think of another way to-to keep him from quitting school. I... Adam can't quit school! In case you haven't noticed, he's kind of weird, and if he just sits at home and works on his weirdo art, he's just... Mr. Price said "What are you going to do?", s-so I...

  Will Girardi : Smashed his artwork with a chair?

  Joan Girardi : What else could I do?

  Helen Girardi : Oh... say... talk to the buyer, talk to Adam, uh, talk to Adam's father. Believe it or not, I have some influence with him, too. Honey, there are lots of other things that you could do before... destroying his best work.

  Will Girardi : Destruction is not a good option.

  Joan Girardi : [realizing what God meant]  I had a failure of imagination.

  Will Girardi : Well, that's putting it kindly.

• Joan Girardi : Is it ever okay to break the law?

  Will Girardi : Somebody kills somebody, it's serious, no matter what the circumstances.

  Joan Girardi : Who said anything about killing?

  Will Girardi : Wh-what are we talking about?

  Helen Girardi : Not allowed to ask.

• Kevin Girardi : I'm home! What's to eat?

  Will Girardi : Hey, how was work?

  Kevin Girardi : Let's just say I know a lot more about Ashton Kutch-er than I really want to.

  Joan Girardi , Helen Girardi : [correcting him]  Kutcher!

• Joan Girardi : Dad, is it ever okay to do something wrong for a good reason?

  Kevin Girardi : Are you talking about Allan Burns?

  Joan Girardi : Who's Allan Burns?

  Luke Girardi : Guy who shot the robber.

  Joan Girardi : Was that illegal?

  Will Girardi : Technically.

• Security Guard God : Are you trying to steal this sculpture?

  Joan Girardi : No, no, no, no. Not-not steal. Uh, the artist said I could have it.

  [seeing his expression] 

  Joan Girardi : You know, you'd make my life a lot easier if you just arrested me right now and took me to jail.

  Security Guard God : You want to lift something that heavy, you need help.

  Joan Girardi : [realizing who it is]  Or maybe you could help me. That's what people say, right? I mean, "God, help me"?

  Security Guard God : I take more of an advisory role in our work together.

  Joan Girardi : Adam won't pull this thing out of the competition. It's too big for me to steal. I'm out of ideas.

  Security Guard God : Then you're gonna have to think harder.

  Joan Girardi : Are we... are we, like, afraid that Adam won't win and this is gonna break his heart? O-or maybe... maybe someone's gonna trip over it and then try to sue the school.

  Security Guard God : I like the way you're beginning to consider the results and ramifications of our working together. Turn the lights off when you leave.

• Big Kid God : Hey, did you notice who made this?

  Joan Girardi : "A.R." Adam Rove? Adam made this?

  Big Kid God : Yeah. By now you ought to recognize his style, Joan. And mine.

  Joan Girardi : Maybe if you picked on style, I might.

  Big Kid God : All styles is my style, all right? And I'd rather, uh... rather Adam's sculpture not be a part of the show.

  Joan Girardi : Why?

  [seeing his expression] 

  Joan Girardi : Sorry. Reflex action, like barfing.

• Joan Girardi : I'm having second thoughts about you.

  Work-out Lady God : It's called a crisis of faith. It's all right. It's not really faith if there's no crisis. Faith is an act of will, not a feeling.

  Joan Girardi : How do I know you're not the devil? You asked me to do something which I didn't do, and a good thing happened to Adam. Why would God want a good thing not to happen?

  Work-out Lady God : I understand you're confused, but there are no dilemmas without confusion, there's no free will without dilemmas, and there's no humanity without free will.

  Joan Girardi : You know, I don't understand what you're saying. It's all just blah, blah, blah.

• Joan Girardi : Are you really God?

  Work-out Lady God : You know I am.

  Joan Girardi : You know I don't know you are. Maybe you don't know because you aren't really God, or maybe I'm crazy and talking to thin air.

  Work-out Lady God : You're confused because I asked you to do something you thought was wrong.

  Joan Girardi : I tried talking Adam out of it. I... I tried... I tried buying it. I tried stealing it. What else is there? I mean, what, you want me to smash it?

  Work-out Lady God : Don't blame me for your failure of imagination. What you have to ask yourself is what are you going to do now? That's what I'm all about, your next chance to do the right thing. That's how you know I'm who I am. That's how you shall know me from all others. What are you going to do now? Every new decision is another chance to do the right thing. You don't get that from the other side.

  Joan Girardi : What's wrong with Adam making a little bit of money? I mean, if you took a second to explain it...

  Work-out Lady God : If I explain it to you, then there's no need for faith. Remember, Joan, it's all about what you do next.

• Joan Girardi : Are you a priest?

  Father Ken Mallory : Roman Catholic, yes.

  Joan Girardi : [ushering him away to speak privately]  I have to ask you a question.

  Father Ken Mallory : Hey, you're Joan Girardi. Hasn't your mother ever mentioned me to you? We... uh, she invited me here today.

• Grace Polk : What the hell made you think you could just drop by my place?

  Joan Girardi : You never said I couldn't.

  Grace Polk : Well, I figured you had the brains to deduce from my general vibe.

  Joan Girardi : Oh, yeah, like I deduced that your dad's a rabbi, a really nice rabbi, and that your real last name is Polonsky.

  Grace Polk : Don't stop by my house unless you're invited, which will never happen.

  Joan Girardi : Wait, I need you to help me steal this.

  Grace Polk : I'm mad at you! I'm yelling at you! I wouldn't help you do anything. Don't you pick up any signals at all?

• Joan Girardi : I'm not sure you understand. Of course you understand. You understand everything. It's difficult for m... you already know it's difficult for me. 'Cause I-I-I... don't hate Adam. You're asking me to...

  Big Kid God : To prevent this from going on display.

  Joan Girardi : That simple?

  Big Kid God : That simple. And you're gonna have to find somebody else to help you move this thing.

  Joan Girardi : [as he leaves]  Shirker!