Joan of Arcadia (TV Series)

St. Joan (2003)

Amber Tamblyn: Joan Girardi

Quotes 

• Mr. Paul Dreisbach : The English Longbows rain arrows on the French knights in their armor. Angry, the French charge across the plowed field. Then tragedy. What tragedy? Class?

  [a student raises his hand] 

  Mr. Paul Dreisbach : Who knows?

  [seeing Joan is asleep and snoring loudly, he picks up a trash can and drops it on the floor] 

  Joan Girardi : [jerking awake]  I didn't do it.

• Joan Girardi : What?

  Luke Girardi : Hash browns and a bagel?

  Joan Girardi : So?

  Luke Girardi : You're renting out a lot of space at the bottom of the food pyramid.

  Joan Girardi : Can't you just say "carbs to the max" or something remotely normal?

• Luke Girardi : Dad, can I have fifty bucks?

  Will Girardi : Ooh, I almost made it to my coffee.

  Helen Girardi : What's the money for, Luke?

  Luke Girardi : 32 Cornell Dubilier inverter-grade capacitors.

  Will Girardi : [sarcastic]  I just happen to have a few of those in my pocket.

  Helen Girardi : Luke, would you consider these capacitor things a necessity?

  Luke Girardi : Well, that just depends if you define necessity as the power of natural law that cannot be other than what it is, but...

  Will Girardi : [giving him the money]  Okay, knock yourself out. Anybody else?

  Joan Girardi : You know, my shoe collection is, like, from three years ago.

  Helen Girardi : You have enough shoes. Okay, bank is closed.

• Grace Polk : Joan of Arc was, like, *the* girl warrior. Strapped on chain mail and led men into battle. Naturally, they burned her at the stake.

  Joan Girardi : She wasn't crazy, right? I mean, she wasn't a paranoid schizophrenic with a miscellaneous complex.

  Grace Polk : Are you trying to say "messianic complex"?

  Joan Girardi : Oh. I guess.

• Gardener God : You're not crazy, Joan.

  Joan Girardi : No offense, but the person who makes me feel crazy is in no position to say I'm not.

  Gardener God : You even know what a paranoid schizophrenic is?

  Joan Girardi : Yes, I do. It's a person who hears voices, like, from God, which is what makes me, I don't know, twitchy.

• Gardener God : Here's what I want you to do.

  Joan Girardi : Okay, let's get back to the "crazy" thing. Okay? Were you really talking to Joan of Arc, and... am I... am I like her?

  Gardener God : This history test that's coming up, I want you to ace it.

  Joan Girardi : That's unsettling when God uses slang.

• Sammy : I can't tell you about Joan of Arc, because in order to do that, I'd have to assume you have some basic grasp of anything that happened before, say, the Reagan years.

  Joan Girardi : I have a test coming up on this, and I have to get an "A". Come on, just help me out, okay?

  Sammy : Well, here's an interesting approach. Read the books.

• Gavin Price : I'll give you until Friday to decide, Joan.

  Helen Girardi : Decide what?

  Joan Girardi : They want me to take the test again, which is like saying I cheated.

  Helen Girardi : No one is saying that. Are... are you saying that?

  Gavin Price : We just want her to take the test again. That should restore the equilibrium.

  Helen Girardi : My daughter does not cheat. So you know what you can do with your equilibrium.

  Gavin Price : I'm making a reasonable request, Helen.

  Joan Girardi : I'm not retaking the test. Sometimes you have to take a stand, and this is me doing that.

• Joan Girardi : So I picked up some strange interests. I mean, kids do that. So I smash a piece of art. I mean, I had my reasons. And the whole cheating thing is completely whack.

  Will Girardi : Cheating thing?

  Joan Girardi : I did not cheat. I am not retaking the test.

  Will Girardi : Joan cheated?

  Helen Girardi : No. It's just Price on a tear. Joan didn't cheat.

  Will Girardi : How could you not tell me that?

  Helen Girardi : This just in, Will. I try to protect you from things if I can.

• Mr. Paul Dreisbach : I was absolutely certain you had cheated. Why? Because I've been teaching for thirty years, and I know perfectly well when I'm not getting through to students, and... I wasn't getting through to you.

  Joan Girardi : To be perfectly fair, Mr. Dreisbach, I think you're really only getting through to Steve Zakheim.

  Mr. Paul Dreisbach : Yeah, I know. And that's my fault. Somewhere along the line, I got discouraged, and I started... just phoning it in. I'm aware. It's a... it's a teacher's greatest fear. You know, before this event, I was going to quit. This was going to be my last year, and, uh... it was causing me a lot of pain, because I wasn't going out in a blaze of glory. I was... I was surrendering in defeat, like the French at-at Agincourt, floundering in the mud of my-my students' indifference. But I made you care about history, Ms. Girardi. I don't know how I did it, but I did. And that's the whole point. You inspired me to take back my crown. I thank you.