Joan of Arcadia (TV Series)

Queen of the Zombies (2005)

Amber Tamblyn: Joan Girardi

Quotes 

• Adam Rove : Check this out. Bennington. They have a great art department, plus all the liberal arts stuff for you.

  Joan Girardi : Vermont?

  Adam Rove : Mm-hmm.

  Joan Girardi : Way too much snow.

  Adam Rove : No, but they don't have grades there.

  Joan Girardi : [interested]  Really?

  Adam Rove : Mm-hmm.

  Joan Girardi : I do love maple syrup.

• Joan Girardi : God wants me to audition for a musical?

  Gay Male Secretary God : The chorus. Where it all begins.

  Joan Girardi : You're not serious.

  Gay Male Secretary God : I'm always serious, which doesn't mean I'm not fun.

  Joan Girardi : Okay, in case you've forgotten, I'm trying to get into a college. Work hard in the present so I can have a future. Do you remember when you said that?

  Gay Male Secretary God : The future includes more than just you.

  Joan Girardi : I know. That's why Adam and I are applying for schools together. Oh, by the way, any help you can give me with my essay, you know, to...

  Gay Male Secretary God : Yeah. You'll need an up-tempo and a ballad. Anything from "Les Miz" is fine.

• Joan Girardi : What are you doing here, Friedman?

  Friedman : Musical theater? Hey, straight man's paradise.

  Joan Girardi : Gross.

• Johnny Broadway : Three words, people. Audience. In. Five. Days.

  Friedman : That's, like...

  Joan Girardi : [covering his mouth]  Can it. I wanna get out of here.

• Will Girardi : I hope everybody's hungry.

  Joan Girardi : I love it when dad's home. Maybe you should think about getting fired.

• Kevin Girardi : Hey, what's with the vino on Wednesday night?

  Joan Girardi : Are we gonna become drunks now? That is so "Osbournes".

  Helen Girardi : No. It's a celebration, a little surprise.

  Will Girardi : We are no longer being sued by Andy and his barely-human family.

• Joan Girardi : Luke, no text-messaging at the dinner table. That's 21st century bad manners.

  Luke Girardi : Joan, I'm in a bit of a situation.

  Joan Girardi : Grace holding out on the sugar?

  Will Girardi : Can we have five minutes to celebrate the survival of our life savings?

• Female Custodian God : Pretty nifty set, huh, Joan?

  Joan Girardi : Ha! Not even God can bring back the word "nifty".

  Female Custodian God : Don't tempt me.

• Joan Girardi : So this is about Adam building sets so we can be together in college, right? I mean, I know it's never that direct, but it's sort of about that, right?

  Female Custodian God : Right. It's never that direct. One action always has a chorus of consequences.

  Joan Girardi : Okay. So, it's about more than me and Adam.

  Female Custodian God : Hard to believe, I know. Don't you just love the theater? People finding joy in creating whole new worlds? I couldn't keep that one to myself.

  Joan Girardi : Can we just swing back to me for a minute here? Thanks. This "chorus of consequences". Can I have a few details? Because I'm trying to stay on track.

  Female Custodian God : You're on track. Just stay open. You'll know your moment when it comes.

• Grace Polk : So, uh, your freakshow brother and Glynis, what were they like together?

  Joan Girardi : Kind of in the middle of something here, Polk.

  Grace Polk : Because before, I could make myself miserable all on my own. Now, they make me miserable. I have a problem with that.

  Joan Girardi : You're not gonna stop, are you?

  Grace Polk : Every time he and Glynis talk science, he-he-he acts like Captain Kirk getting it on with a hot alien.

  Joan Girardi : That is gross on so many levels.

  Grace Polk : Tell me about it. Nothing makes sense, dude. The inside of my head is like some gross stew the cafeteria wouldn't even serve.

  Joan Girardi : You're jealous. It happens to everybody, you know. Othello, the green-eyed monster. Remember?

  Grace Polk : Yeah, well, I hate it. It's like I'm a girl.