Joan of Arcadia (TV Series)
Pilot (2003)
Amber Tamblyn: Joan Girardi
Quotes
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Cute Boy God : Let me explain something to you, Joan. It goes like this: I don't look like this. I don't look like anything you'd recognize. You can't see me. I don't sound like this. I don't sound like anything you'd recognize. You see, I'm beyond your experience. I take this form because you're comfortable with it, it makes sense to you. And if I'm "snippy" it's because you understand snippy. Do ya get it?
Joan : Sort of.
Cute Boy God : Good, 'cause I'm really not snippy. I've got a great personality. You'd like me.
-
Cute Boy God : How about you believe me if I agree to overlook that promise you didn't keep?
Joan : What promise?
Cute Boy God : Let's see. That you'd study hard, stop talking back, clean your room, and even go to church, if I recall, if I let your brother live.
Joan : [long pause] How did you know about that?
Cute Boy God : Omniscience. Look it up.
Joan : So, you let my brother live, and now you're here to... collect?
Cute Boy God : No. I don't bargain. That would be cruel.
-
Joan : Let's see a miracle.
Cute Boy God : How about that?
Joan : It's a tree.
Cute Boy God : Let's see you make one.
-
Joan : Okay, so let's say you're God.
Cute Boy God : Thank you.
Joan : I wanna ask you some questions.
Cute Boy God : No.
Joan : No?
Cute Boy God : No, as a general rule, I ask questions.
Joan : Are you, are you being snippy with me? God is snippy.
Cute Boy God : Let me explain something to you, Joan. It goes like this: I don't look like this, I don't look like anything you'd recognize. You can't see me. I don't sound like this, I don't sound like anything you'd recognize. You see, I'm beyond your experience. I take this form because, you're comfortable with it, it makes sense to you. And if I'm *snippy*, it's because you understand snippy. You get it?
Joan : Sort of.
Cute Boy God : Good, because I'm really not snippy. I've got a great personality, you'd like me.
Joan : Well, I'm not religious you know.
Cute Boy God : It's not about religion, Joan. It's about fulfilling your nature.
Joan : Oh, I definitely haven't done that.
Cute Boy God : Exactly.
Joan : Well, let's, let's say you're God.
Cute Boy God : Joan, I *am* God.
Joan : Okay, well let's see a miracle.
Cute Boy God : Okay. How about that.
Joan : [Joan looks up] That's a tree.
Cute Boy God : Let's see you make one.
-
Joan : So, do you just go around appearing to people or...
Cute Boy God : Minor correction, I'm not appearing to you, you are seeing me.
Joan : Okay, fine.
[Joan continues staring at Him]
Joan : Is it kinda weird that I have a... crush on you?
Cute Boy God : I'm not gonna look like this the next time.
Joan : The next time?
Cute Boy God : I'm gonna be dropping in on you, Joan. Now and then.
Joan : Why?
Cute Boy God : Let's just say I need you to do some errands.
Joan : Why?
Cute Boy God : Do you notice how I'm not answering any of the "whys"? I want you to get a job, at the Skylight Bookstore. It's about three bus stops from here. Manager's name there is Sammy, now he's snippy. It's important you do this pretty soon.
[Joan opens her mouth to say something]
Cute Boy God : Don't ask why.
Joan : And if I say no. Am I gonna burst into flames?
Cute Boy God : [Cute Boy God laughs] Where do you people get this stuff? Have I ever made anybody burst into flames? Do as I ask. I'll see you around.
-
Kevin Girardi : Mom wants me to talk to you.
Joan : To make sure I'm not crazy?
Kevin Girardi : Yup. So, are you crazy?
Joan : No.
Kevin Girardi : Okay. I'm glad we had this talk.
-
Joan : I'm here about the job. You know, the one you were advertising.
Sammy : Oh, I'm sorry. That's for someone who can see over the counter.
Joan : Well, I'm sixteen. I've had lots of jobs.
Sammy : Really? Name all four books in the "Alexandria" quartet.
[Joan is lost for words]
Sammy : See? Now, somebody might ask you questions like that.
Joan : And then I'd say "I'll look it up in the computer." I-I'm good with computers.
Sammy : Yeah, everybody's good with computers and digital cameras and cell phones and TiVo. But no one can form an objective thought to save their lives.
-
Helen Girardi : You go and get a job just like that without telling anybody.
Joan : You're always bugging Kevin to get one.
Helen Girardi : That's Kevin. You're in school.
Joan : Some parents would think that was industrious.
Helen Girardi : Some parents haven't seen your report card.
-
Joan : I don't want this to be happening to me, daddy.
Will Girardi : What is happening? You can tell me. Whatever it is, we'll deal with it. I'll get you, I'll get you a doctor, a counselor, a priest. I'll make it okay. That's my job.
[taking her face his hands]
Will Girardi : Look at me. I'm not gonna lose you, for any reason. Do you understand?
-
Sammy : Go home, please. Hiring you would only complicate my life because I would have to rant and rave about your shabby education, and I have enough to rant and rave about.
Joan : Was that your daughter on the phone?
Sammy : My wife. A grown woman who is hysterical over a sick rabbit. I don't need any more adolescents in my life.
Joan : Well, if you hire me, then you can go take care of it. I know how to run a cash register and I know how to answer the phone. And I can count way past ten. So if you just run along and go take your wife's rabbit to the vet, and when you come back, if I haven't burned down the store or something, you can hire me.
Sammy : You don't happen to have any references on you?
Joan : No, but I was sent by God.
[seeing his expression]
Joan : She said, revealing her acerbic wit. My dad's Will Girardi. H-he's the chief of police. Really.
Sammy : [handing her the keys] Don't steal anything. Don't take any checks. Don't give any refunds. I will be back at 6:00.
-
Kevin Girardi : Mom likes normal. Dad really likes normal. Before my accident, Luke was all they could handle in the "freak for a kid" department. Now they've got me. You're their only hope for normal.
Joan : That is just wrong.
Kevin Girardi : Well, it sounded though, didn't it?
[laughing, she kicks him in the leg]
Joan : [noticing his expression] Oh, my god. I'm sorry. What did I do? Did you feel that?
Kevin Girardi : Yeah.
[grinning]
Kevin Girardi : No. No, I can't feel it. No way.
Joan : You jerk!
[as they laugh, she throws her glass of water in his face]
Kevin Girardi : I felt that.
-
Cute Boy God : Joan, I need to talk to you.
Joan : Unless I'm missing something, we are talking.
Cute Boy God : I want to be honest.
Joan : Okay, who are you?
Cute Boy God : I saw you today.
Joan : Saw me where?
Cute Boy God : Outside of your house. Look, I didn't mean to scare you.
Joan : Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. That was you?
[He nods]
Joan : That guy was an old guy.
Cute Boy God : Okay, this is the difficult part. I don't always look the same.
Joan : What are you talking about? What do you want with me? 'Cause I'm gonna warn you, my dad's a cop. He's not just any cop he is *the* cop.
Cute Boy God : I know who your father is, Joan. He's Will Girardi, he's born September 4th, 1955, in Chicago. His father was Gerald Girardi, his mother was Elena Monroe. He had an uneventful childhood, attended Mother Cabrini high school, and Morten Junior College. After that he joined the police force in 1980. Then he met your mother, one Helen Brodie, she was an art school drop out. You're the middle child of three. About a year and a half ago your older brother, Kevin was in a car accident. Fractured his back, left him a paraplegic. You have one other brother, Luke, who's fifteen. Your favorite color's green, you love salt on cantaloupe, Jim Das broke your hear in eighth grade. And you're afraid of clowns.
Joan : Who are you?
Cute Boy God : I've known you since before you were born, Joan.
Joan : I'll ask you one more time.
Cute Boy God : I'm God.
-
Joan : [Joan sees Cute Boy God waiting for her] Hey, God! Get lost, I mean it.
Cute Boy God : I know you think you mean it.
Joan : You know, I'm going to give my father a full description and a composite drawing, you'll be booked before dark.
Cute Boy God : Maybe he'll be too busy thinking of creative ways to ground you for mouthing off in French class.
Joan : Are you spying on me?
Cute Boy God : I'm omniscient Joan, comes with the job.
Joan : Okay. So you're God?
Cute Boy God : Yes.
Joan : As in, God.
Cute Boy God : Right.
Joan : Old Testament, Tower of Babel, burning bush, Ten Commandments, God.
Cute Boy God : Well I come off a little friendlier in the New Testament and the Quran, but uh, yeah. Same God.
Joan : And I'm supposed to believe you because...?
Cute Boy God : Because you have a feeling.
Joan : No I don't.
[Joan turns and walks away]
Cute Boy God : How about you believe me if I agree to overlook that promise you didn't keep?
Joan : [Joan turns back around] What promise?
Cute Boy God : Let's see, that you'd study hard, stop talking back, clean your room, and even go to church, if I recall, if I let your brother live.
Joan : [Joan stares in silence, stunned by what she's just heard] How did you know about that?
Cute Boy God : Omniscience, look it up.
Joan : So you let my brother live, and now you're here to collect?
Cute Boy God : No, I don't bargain. That would be cruel.
-
Principal Stephen Chadwick : Ah, Ms. Girardi. Let's have a chat.
Joan : This was really just a misunderstanding.
Principal Stephen Chadwick : Oh, I look forward to being enlightened.
