Joan of Arcadia (TV Series)

Drive, He Said (2003)

Amber Tamblyn: Joan Girardi

Quotes 

• Joan : I have to wash my hair!

  Plumber/God : Well I'm God, my needs come first.

• Joan : When... when do you plan on having sex?

  Luke : Oh, at my first opportunity.

• Joan : I'm not... pregnant.

  Luke : Then why was there a pregnancy kit in the bathroom? Because *I'm* not pregnant and I'm pretty sure Kevin's not pregnant, which leaves...

  Joan : Mom.

  Luke : Okay, I'm an expert on probability, and given factors such as Mom's and Dad's ages, birth control, and the average frequency of sex after twenty-three...

  Joan : [covering ears]  Ewwwww!

• Will Girardi : We've, uh, got no water.

  Joan : Why?

  Will Girardi : Because we've got no water. If you want the technical explanation, ask the plumber in our bathroom.

• Joan : There's no water.

  Luke : That's the rumor.

  Joan : What about my hair?

  Luke : Wear a hat.

• Joan : You left a pregnancy test in the wastebasket.

  Helen Girardi : Why would you go digging through the garbage?

  Joan : I didn't. Luke did. He thought it was mine.

  Helen Girardi : Why? Are you sexually active?

  Joan : Why would you think that?

  Helen Girardi : Well, Luke thought it, and evidently, he's a genius.

  Joan : Not at everything.

• Joan : I don't want to drive. Why are you making me?

  Proctor God : Most young people want to drive. Why are you so hesitant?

  Joan : Well, you know everything. Why don't you tell me?

  Proctor God : Perhaps your mother is correct. You're afraid of hurting yourself, of ending up like Kevin.

  Joan : Yeah. Maybe she's right.

  Proctor God : Balderdash. You've always been a headstrong, brave child, not overly concerned with your own well-being; a trait you inherited from your father. What you fear is hurting someone else. You fear that one instance of bad judgment might entail consequences; consequences like those...

  Joan : Like Kevin? That's... that's why I don't want to drive. I mean... isn't that... isn't that a pretty good reason?

• Proctor God : Being an adult isn't merely about risking your own well-being. It means risking others'. In cars, in love, in family, hurting others is always a possibility. That's what's difficult about being an adult: facing the harsh fact that you may hurt others, even when you don't want to.

  Joan : Then there's a flaw in the design, and whose fault is that?

  Proctor God : It might help if you think of the universe as an obstacle course. There's no flaw in the design. It's just...

  Joan : Obstacles?

  Proctor God : Time's up.

• Joan : What are you? Some kind of Peeping Tom?

  Luke : It's not my fault I have a... naturally quiet tread.