- Ricky Ricardo: Why din't you just tell them the truth?
- Lucy Ricardo: You can't tell people the truth, they think you're lying. You have to lie to make them think you're telling the truth.
- Caroline Appleby: Lucy, how old are you?
- Marion Strong: How much do you weigh?
- Ethel Mertz: What color would your hair be if you didn't dye it?
- Lucy Ricardo: 33, 129, and mousey brown.
- Lucy Ricardo: You think you know all there is to know about me, don't you? Remind me some time to tell you about my experience in musical comedy. Come on, Ethel, let's get some coffee.
- Ricky Ricardo: Hey, just a minute. You were in musical comedy?
- Lucy Ricardo: It was before I met you, Dear. Come on, Ethel.
- Ricky Ricardo: Now wait. wait a minute. This is very interestin'. What was the name of the musical comedy?
- Ethel Mertz: Oh, leave her alone, Ricky. She's just exaggerating, as usual.
- Lucy Ricardo: [righteously indignant] I am not.
- Ricky Ricardo: Well, what was the name of the musical comedy?
- Lucy Ricardo: Oklahoma!
- All together: [amazed] Oklahoma?
- Lucy Ricardo: Oklahoma! And I was the star, too.
- Ethel Mertz: Yeah? What was your maiden name, Alfred Drake?
- Lucy Ricardo: [backpedaling] Well, maybe I wasn't exactly a star, but would you believe I was a featured player? Chorus girl? Ticket taker?
- Ricky Ricardo: Lucy, why don't you tell the truth. You know that you were never in Oklahoma!
- Lucy Ricardo: I was too. I spent two weeks in Tulsa once.
- Lucy Ricardo: [Marion is laughing after Lucy insults the other women] Marion, stop cackling. I've been waiting ten years for you to lay that egg!
- Ethel Mertz: [the Mertzes are telling the Ricardos stories of their days in vaudeville] Hey, Fred, do you remember what happened to that quick-change artist? You know the one who used to change her clothes, in the dark, right out on the stage?
- Fred Mertz: Do I? Boy, was she ever mad at that electrician!
- Ricky Ricardo: What happened?
- Ethel Mertz: Well, she called for her *tights* and he thought she said lights!
- Lucy Ricardo: [Lucy is trying to bluff her way past the director's questions] Oh, uh... I just finished a long run at Ricardo's.
- Casting Director: Ricardo's?
- Lucy Ricardo: Yes, sir.
- Casting Director: I don't believe I've ever heard of that place. What sort of establishment is it?
- Lucy Ricardo: Oh, well, it's a three-ring circus.