- Tim Taylor: Don't think of the audience as a group. When I first did "Tool Time", I was petrified, so I tried to visualize it as just one person.
- Jill Taylor: The first time you did "Tool Time", there *was* just one person.
- Mark Taylor: I have a woman - Mommy.
- Randy Taylor: Your mommy can't be your woman, doofus.
- Tim Taylor: A lot of men pay a psychiatrist a lot of money to figure *that* one out.
- Jill Taylor: Do you really think I can do this thing?
- Tim Taylor: Yes, of course; you can do anything you want, Jill. Nobody thought you could land me as a husband, and...
- [he grins widely]
- Jill Taylor: Well, that's certainly inspirational.
- Tim Taylor: There's nothing wrong with a man doing housework; I mean, Al does a lot of the cleaning around here.
- Al Borland: I do *all* the cleaning, Tim.
- Tim Taylor: Yeah, right, Al.
- Al Borland: I could use some help.
- Tim Taylor: We all could, Al.
- Jill Taylor: I just feel self-conscious getting up in front of a group of people.
- Tim Taylor: You don't like the way you look?
- Jill Taylor: What's wrong with the way I look?
- Tim Taylor: Nothing - it was just a question.
- Jill Taylor: Why was that the *first* question you asked?
- Tim Taylor: All right, here's another first question: Are you so attractive and thin you're afraid to go up in front of people?
- Jill Taylor: So what are you saying? I'm fat and ugly?
- [at a loss, Tim tries to ignore her]
- Brad Taylor: What are you doing in here? You're supposed to be downstairs helping me get finished dusting.
- Randy Taylor: I'm just up here tellin' Mom a joke. I'm being a *good* son.
- Tim Taylor: What're you doin'?
- Wilson: Just carving out a canoe, Tim.
- Tim Taylor: ...Sounds hard.
- Wilson: Not really, Tim - you just take a big block of wood, and chip away everything that's not a canoe.
- Tim Taylor: [Tim and Mark are wearing women's hats and earrings, pretending to be Jill's audience] We are supporting our woman, by being women... Mark, you don't do this outside the house, OK?
- Tim Taylor: [in falsetto, pretending to be a woman in Jill's audience] Ever get some phlegm caught in your throat you can't get out? You just don't see old women goin' like this, do ya?
- [he pretends to aggressively spit out a wad of phlegm]
- Al Borland: Do anything fun this weekend?
- Mark Taylor: Daddy and I dressed up like women.
- Al Borland: ...Oh, really?
- Tim Taylor: It's not like it sounds, Al.
- Mark Taylor: Daddy had Mommy's hat on, and we both wore earrings.
- Al Borland: Well, of course; earrings would complete the ensemble.
- Tim Taylor: It's not like I had a bra on or anything, Al.
- Al Borland: Well, maybe next time, Tim.
- Jill Taylor: I'm going to be standing in front of 250 people. That's 500 eyes watching me, 500 ears listening to me.
- Tim Taylor: Ugh, that's a thousand organs. No wonder you're nervous.