- Newkirk: Returned from scout mission, sir!
- Col. Hogan: Did you see where the codebook was?
- Newkirk: Nothing escaped these eagle eyes, sir. It was on old Klink's desk.
- LeBeau: You would think he put it in a real hiding place.
- Col. Hogan: Why should he? As far as he knows, it's just a book on personal hygiene. All right, you men know what to do. Battle stations.
- Colonel Sitzer: [after hearing the run-down of the latest propaganda broadcast, sighing] It's the same dull stuff we've been doing. I wish we had something different, some kind of a surprise.
- Leslie Smythe-Beddoes: What if we told them the truth about the Eastern Front?
- Colonel Sitzer: [snorts] I said surprise, not shock.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: What is it, Colonel Hogan? Another complaint?
- Col. Hogan: No, sir. I've been thinking about our breaking the rules being up after lights out last night. It was wrong, and we owe you an apology.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: No harm done. Your apology is accepted.
- Col. Hogan: No, this is a formal apology. You want to stand out here just a minute, sir?
- [opens the office door]
- Col. Hogan: Okay, fellas, places.
- [all of Colonel Hogan's men enter]
- Col. Hogan: Okay. Now...
- Col. Hogan, Kinchloe, Newkirk, LeBeau, Carter: Colonel Klink, we wish to take this opportunity to apologize for not obeying the rules. We are sorry, and promise that it will never happen again. Never. We sincerely hope that you will accept this apology in the spirit in which it is given. Thank you. Thank you very much.
- [during this, LeBeau discreetly takes the codebook from Klink's desk]
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Thank you very much. You were very nice.
- Col. Hogan: Okay, fellas, that's it. Let's go. Colonel Klink is busy.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: [after General Burkhalter slammed an object against his desk that woke him up] Oh! General Burkhalter! What a pleasure! I was so deep in thought, I didn't realize...
- General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: Klink, this is Colonel Sitzer.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: It's a pleasure. And to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit? Not that there needs be any reason.
- Colonel Sitzer: I am with the Ministry Propaganda.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, that's a wonderful branch of the service. Oh, what a charm you people are. I've always said, "You people are doing more to end this war than anyone else."
- Colonel Sitzer: Colonel Klink, we have been looking at your records very carefully.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: I can explain that. That's not my fault. Although technically, I was in charge of all the money at the Officers' Club, Lieutenant Kleinmisner also had a key, and he...
- General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: Klink! Colonel Sitzer is talking about your perfect record in the camp.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: He is?
- General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: Yes. What are you talking about?
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Was I talking about something? I don't remember what it was.
- Colonel Sitzer: We believe what you have done deserves public recognition.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: I was only doing my duty. Naturally, I'm flattered. And I hope that others will be inspired by my example.
- General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: We are not doing it for you, Klink. It is for the propaganda value.
- Colonel Sitzer: You'll be presented with an award on the National Radio Hookup.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: An award? For me? Let me say, sir, I accept it with the deepest of humility.
- Colonel Sitzer: We want you to keep it a secret until the presentation. That way we will get the full impact on public opinion.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, you have nothing to worry about, sir. My lips are sealed. I won't say a word. A secret is sacred to me. Wild horses and torture could not drag one syllable out of me. If there's one thing I'm not, it's a talker...
- General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: I must admit, if there is anything more outstanding than your humility, it's your golden silence.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Thank you, General Burkhalter.
- Colonel Sitzer: I think we better be getting back to town.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: Oh, I'll have the car brought around right away. Oh, uh, sir, I was wondering if you...
- Colonel Sitzer: You will receive the reward in about a week. In the meantime, remember, it's a secret.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: You can depend on me. Absolute silence.
- General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: The car, Klink.
- Col. Wilhelm Klink: The car, sir. Yes, the car.
- [leaves the office]
- Colonel Sitzer: Are you sure no prisoner has ever escaped from him?
- General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: Don't look at me. I don't understand it either.
- Kinchloe: [after Schultz left after telling Hogan that Klink wants to see him] You're not still going, are you, Colonel?
- Col. Hogan: That's the plan, isn't it?
- Kinchloe: You know Klink. If you don't come to him, he'll come to you.
- Col. Hogan: I know. Corporal Newkirk?
- Newkirk: Sir?
- Col. Hogan: As of now, you're a Colonel.