- Ben Seaver: Look, mister - - if you think that machine gun is gonna scare us into buying a set of your lousy encyclopedias, you're mistaken.
- Encyclopedia Salesman: [in a tone of huffy arrogance] Actually, this is a *SUB*-machine gun. Which is something you would already know - - IF you had bought a set of my encyclopedias! Can anyone tell me what BRAND of gun this is...? No? THOMPSON. This is a THOMPSON submachine gun. You would have known THAT, also... IF your stingy parents has gotten you a set of my encyclopedias! I tried SO HARD to tell them about how important knowledge is to youngsters. But did they listen? Noooo... they couldn't be bothered! They were too busy - - LAUGHing at me! The whole world... LAUGHS at me.
- Ben Seaver: Why don't you take a job as a comedian?
- Mike Seaver: [protestingly at Ben, lest he offend the gunman] BEN...!
- Police Officer: [as the policemen are leaving after their third dispatch to the apartment that night] Hey, thanks for keeping things fun around here, eh?
- Mike Seaver: [reading to his siblings from "Great Expectations", and using a humorously-exaggerated English/British accent] My father's family name being Pirrip, and my Christian name Philip, my infant tongue could make of both names nothing longer or more explicit than PIP!
- [using the same contrived accent upon hearing the doorbell ring]
- Mike Seaver: I'll get it.
- Ben Seaver: [in a mildy disappointed tone of having his listening interrupted] Aww... and I was just getting into it!
- Ben Seaver: [the anxious parents fantasize that Mike has moved the LP gas grille into the living room to cook hamburgers. Mike, not being familiar with how to operate the grille, has a bit of confusion and uncertainty getting it to power up, but then figures it out. Seconds later, though, there is a tremendous boom, and thick clouds of gray smoke billow out from off-camera. Ben casually turns without batting an eyelash and speaks in a whiny complaining tone, as if exploding household appliances are a common-enough event in his boring home life] Aw, c'mon, Mike - - I wanted mine done RARE!
- Slash: Mike! Long time no see, Buddy!
- [noticing the other, younger siblings with him, and making a slightly pompous but merely half-hearted show of following the rules of admittance]
- Slash: Yo, you dudes got some I.D.?
- Mike Seaver: [proudly taking out his parents' clear fanfold of cards and letting it flutter open in a long impressive strip that nearly touches the floor] Here you are, m'man!
- Slash: [peering at one of Maggie's cards] Hmmmm... age 47?
- [glances at Carol's smooth youthful features]
- Slash: Looks pretty good to me.
- [seeing Jason's military I.D., then turning briefly to Ben]
- Slash: 'Nam, huh?
- Ben Seaver: [confidently playing along] Yup!
- Slash: How was it?
- Ben Seaver: It was HELL!
- Ben Seaver: [after Mike finishes telling their parents that they had all been away from the apartment merely because a trusted elderly couple from down the hall had invited them over for pastries] And THEN they pulled out their VACATION SLIDES - - they went EVERYWHERE!
- Dr. Jason Seaver: But we called you again at ten o'clock, Mike - - where the hell were ya?
- Mike Seaver: Norway!
- Ben Seaver: [in slightly weary tone of boredom from having sat through several hours of viewing slides] Something to keep in mind, Mom - - when you've seen one fjord, you've seen 'em all!
- Slash: [turning to Ben and Carol after a punk chick has collared Mike and led him off to sit with her at a far table] And if you dudes want, I can even let you help me run this joint while you're here.
- Ben Seaver: [in a bold bellow] I wanna be a BARTENDER!
- Carol Seaver: [eagerly] I could be a waitress!
- Slash: [unceremoneously snatching a serving tray from a surprised waiter who is passing by, and handing the tray to Carol] You GOT it, Toots!