Growing Pains (TV Series)

Weekend Fantasy (1985)

Kirk Cameron: Mike Seaver

Quotes 

• Ben Seaver : Look, mister - - if you think that machine gun is gonna scare us into buying a set of your lousy encyclopedias, you're mistaken.

  Encyclopedia Salesman : [in a tone of huffy arrogance]  Actually, this is a *SUB*-machine gun. Which is something you would already know - - IF you had bought a set of my encyclopedias! Can anyone tell me what BRAND of gun this is...? No? THOMPSON. This is a THOMPSON submachine gun. You would have known THAT, also... IF your stingy parents has gotten you a set of my encyclopedias! I tried SO HARD to tell them about how important knowledge is to youngsters. But did they listen? Noooo... they couldn't be bothered! They were too busy - - LAUGHing at me! The whole world... LAUGHS at me.

  Ben Seaver : Why don't you take a job as a comedian?

  Mike Seaver : [protestingly at Ben, lest he offend the gunman]  BEN...!

• Mike Seaver : [reading to his siblings from "Great Expectations", and using a humorously-exaggerated English/British accent]  My father's family name being Pirrip, and my Christian name Philip, my infant tongue could make of both names nothing longer or more explicit than PIP!

  [using the same contrived accent upon hearing the doorbell ring] 

  Mike Seaver : I'll get it.

  Ben Seaver : [in a mildy disappointed tone of having his listening interrupted]  Aww... and I was just getting into it!

• Slash : Mike! Long time no see, Buddy!

  [noticing the other, younger siblings with him, and making a slightly pompous but merely half-hearted show of following the rules of admittance] 

  Slash : Yo, you dudes got some I.D.?

  Mike Seaver : [proudly taking out his parents' clear fanfold of cards and letting it flutter open in a long impressive strip that nearly touches the floor]  Here you are, m'man!

  Slash : [peering at one of Maggie's cards]  Hmmmm... age 47?

  [glances at Carol's smooth youthful features] 

  Slash : Looks pretty good to me.

  [seeing Jason's military I.D., then turning briefly to Ben] 

  Slash : 'Nam, huh?

  Ben Seaver : [confidently playing along]  Yup!

  Slash : How was it?

  Ben Seaver : It was HELL!

• Ben Seaver : [after Mike finishes telling their parents that they had all been away from the apartment merely because a trusted elderly couple from down the hall had invited them over for pastries]  And THEN they pulled out their VACATION SLIDES - - they went EVERYWHERE!

  Dr. Jason Seaver : But we called you again at ten o'clock, Mike - - where the hell were ya?

  Mike Seaver : Norway!

  Ben Seaver : [in slightly weary tone of boredom from having sat through several hours of viewing slides]  Something to keep in mind, Mom - - when you've seen one fjord, you've seen 'em all!