The Golden Girls (TV Series)

Yes, We Have No Havanas (1988)

Bea Arthur: Dorothy Zbornak

Quotes 

• Woman : [at Fidel Santiago's funeral, everyone there is a woman in black]  I'm leaving! I'm not about to mourn a man that was with every woman in this room.

  Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak : He was never with me!

  Woman : I guess even he had his standards.

• Blanche : Is this dress me?

  Sophia Petrillo : It's too tight, it's too short, it shows too much cleavage for a woman your age.

  Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak : Yes Blanche, it's you.

• Rose Nylund : Girls! Girls, guess what?

  Sophia Petrillo : What a minute! Wait a minute! Why do you always come into a room and say, "Girls, girls"? Do you see Molly Ringwald sitting here?

  Rose Nylund : Well, you're awfully cranky today.

  Sophia Petrillo : Well, forgive me. My arthritis is bothering me, my social security check was late, and I realized today I haven't showered with a man in 22 years!

  Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak : Ma, Pop's been dead 27 years.

  Sophia Petrillo : What's your point?

  Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak : What are you saying?

  Rose Nylund : Well, isn't it obvious, Dorothy? She showered with a dead man for five years!

• Rose Nylund : I got two tickets to the hottest Norwegian musical in town!

  Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak : Rose, you've really tempted me, but I do have other plans.

  Rose Nylund : You have a date.

  Sophia Petrillo : [Choking on a cookie]  Never say that while I'm eating!

  Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak : I'm teaching history for an adult education program. It's for people who never got their high school diplomas.

  Rose Nylund : What else do they teach?

  Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak : Oh, the usual high school subjects.

  Rose Nylund : You mean, like the three Rs? Reading, Writing, and Rooster inseminating?

  Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak : No, we just teach the first two Rs, Rose.

  Rose Nylund : Fine! But you're gonna be sending people out into the world who don't know, you can get a nasty rooster bite if you don't warm your hands up first!

• Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak : [reading the roll-call for the night class she is teaching]  Jim Shu?... Jim Shu? Oh I get it, Gym Shoe. Very funny!

  Jim Shu : [an Asian man stands up]  Excuse me. I am Jim Shu.

  Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak : [mortified]  I'm terribly sorry. I thought you were pulling my leg.

  Jim Shu : I don't think I could drink that much sake.

  Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak : Sit down, Shu.

• Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak : [taking roll in the night class she's teaching, Dorothy discovers that Rose is on the list]  Rose, what are you doing here?

  Rose Nylund : Dorothy, I have a confession to make. I slipped through the cracks of the St Olaf school system.

  Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak : [mocking]  That's very hard to believe. I've seen you almost complete a TV Guide crossword puzzle.

  Rose Nylund : It's true. You're looking at a woman without a sheepskin.

  Jim Shu : [the Asian man sitting behind Rose overhears]  I've got an extra in my wallet I could give you.

  Rose Nylund : [shyly]  No thanks, I'd rather earn it.

  Jim Shu : Meet you at Benihana after class?

  Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak : Rose... Rose, you never graduated from High School?

  Rose Nylund : Not officially. Three weeks before graduation, I was asked to be in the kissing booth at the Founders Day fair. Unfortunately, the first boy I kissed had a nasty case of mono. That afternoon, I passed it along to fifty young men... and one very confused female P.E. teacher who smelled of Old Spice. I slept day and night for the next six months, and when I finally woke up, I had missed my graduation and the integration of major league baseball.