- Blanche Devereaux: All right, everybody, just write down who you think ought to leave.
- Rose Nylund: Well, you know this is a waste of time. I'm just going to write down myself.
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Don't tell us that! No, maybe we should do this. It's the fairest way.
- Rose Nylund: All right, but it's just gonna end up being me.
- Blanche Devereaux: [collects the ballots] Okay. Okay. Here we go. Good luck, ladies...
- [reads the ballots one by one]
- Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy... Dorothy... Dorothy... Dorothy.
- Sophia Petrillo: Well, that's it. Let's eat. I'm starved.
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Wait a minute! How did this happen?
- Sophia Petrillo: We all voted for you.
- Blanche Devereaux: Well, Dorothy, it's your own damn fault. Why did you have to vote for yourself?
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I just assumed that everyone was gonna vote for Rose, and I- I didn't want a sweep to hurt her feelings.
- Blanche Devereaux: I guess that would hurt.
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: IT DOES-S-S!
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, what's in that box?
- Sophia Petrillo: Mexican jumping beans.
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma!
- Sophia Petrillo: Sorry, *Hispanic* jumping beans.
- Sophia Petrillo: I went against centuries of tradition. You don't leave an arranged marriage. I disgraced my family's entire way of life.
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I think I'm finally beginning to see.
- Sophia Petrillo: Good, then you'll have the decency to lie if anyone asks you about it.
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [gently] Of course not, Ma. It all has to go in the family history.
- Sophia Petrillo: Don't do this, Dorothy, don't do something we'll both regret.
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I have to, Ma.
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [speaking into the tape recorder] In 1920, your great grandmother, Sophia Petrillo, became a pioneer in the Women's Rights Movement. She single-handedly dragged her family into the twentieth century by refusing to be thought of as property, and demanding instead to marry a man she loved. To do so, she had to leave behind everything she'd ever known. And that is the kind of courage and strength that flows through your veins.
- Sophia Petrillo: What a night. Did you hear that racket out front? I didn't sleep at all. I think Dreyfus has the hots for our lawn flamingo.
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, we don't have a lawn flamingo.
- Sophia Petrillo: In that case, we'd better tip the paperboy.
- Rose Nylund: Y'know, people in St. Olaf are lucky - we all have the same family tree; you can trace each of us back to the same brother and sister.
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Well, I think that completes the puzzle.
- Sophia Petrillo: [speaking into a tape recorder] It all happened so fast. He grabbed her. She bit him. He stuffed her in his calamari wagon and sped away. And that, dear grandchildren, is how my parents met.
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [sarcastically] Oh how romantic, a roll in the squid.
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Now if we want to stay together we're going to have to raise $10,000.
- Blanche Devereaux: Well, I don't see why I have to raise any money. I didn't create this problem. I think the moronic Scandinavian nitwit ought to pay it.
- Rose Nylund: She's talking about me, isn't she?
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: No, Rose. She's talking about Spike Lee.
- Rose Nylund: Don't get smart with me, Dorothy, just because you're out $10,000.
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Me?
- Rose Nylund: Face facts. I mean, we were already roommates when you brought your mother in. So eiher pay up or Sophia should move out.
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Well, thank you very much! But if anybody is going to put my mother out in the cold, it's going to be me.
- Rose Nylund: I am the smartest woman in the whole world!
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: And I am the Pygmy queen!
- Blanche Devereaux: Rose, you ninny! This says I'm going to convert my home into a half-way house for recently released convicts!
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: You're right, Rose, you are the smartest woman in the world: Burger World.
- Sophia Petrillo: The man you saw in that picture was Guido Spirelli. He was my first husband through an arranged marriage which I had later annulled.
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: And?
- Sophia Petrillo: [impatiently] And I shot him just to watch him die! What do you mean 'and'?
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I mean, that's all? That's all you're gonna tell me about it?
- Sophia Petrillo: We were promised to each other when we were nine. By most Sicilian standards, he was considered quite a catch. And he was supposed to inherit the family business.
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: What was the family business?
- Sophia Petrillo: Getting even.
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: The box! Rose, where did you find it?
- Rose Nylund: Well I was just under my bed playing, and then there it was.
- Sophia Petrillo: Land! I'm a land owner, and it only took me 80 years! I'll be planting soon!
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma!
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, the doctor says you're healthy as a horse. Well, actually, the doctor in our pre-paid health plan says you're healthy as a camel. I assume in his country it's the same as a horse.
- Sophia Petrillo: You know, Dorothy, for an extra five dollars we can get a doctor who sees patients one at a time.
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I still have some questions about the family history, if that's okay.
- Sophia Petrillo: Fine. As long as you don't ask me about the box.
- Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: The bo... what box? Oh! Oh, heh, it completely slipped my mind!
- Sophia Petrillo: Oh yeah, that kind of thing happens to me all the, uh... all the, uh... all the shrimp you can eat.