- Maxwell Smart: Listen, 99. In case I don't get out of this alive and you do...
- # 99: [upset] Max, you will get out of this alive!
- Maxwell Smart: Well just in case I don't, 99, I'd like you to do me a favor. I don't want a big funeral. I... I'd just like a few of my close friends to get together and... try to bring me back to life.
- Carlson: We've developed this special equipment. Inside this camera is a hidden tape recorder. And this tape recorder actually conceals a hidden camera!
- Maxwell Smart: May I ask you a question, Professor Carlson?
- Carlson: Certainly.
- Maxwell Smart: Eh, why hide a tape recorder in a camera and a camera in a tape recorder? Why not just take pictures with the camera and record with the recorder?
- Carlson: Because my mind doesn't work that way, that's why.
- Chief: [on phone] Now, you're just going to have to go in there and face those viscious, hungry, man-eating lions. But Max...
- Maxwell Smart: [on other line] Yes Chief?
- Chief: Don't take any unnecessary risks.
- Agent 99: Max, that knife missed you by inches.
- Maxwell Smart: You think it's some kind of a warning?
- # 99: Poor 51, what a way to go. With a knife in his back in a ridiculous gorilla suit.
- Maxwell Smart: Well, that's showbusiness.
- # 99: Max, look.
- [gasps]
- # 99: He's been shot in the back at close range.
- Maxwell Smart: Hm. Committed suicide.
- # 99: That's impossible Max.
- Maxwell Smart: Hm. You're right, there's no gun.
- # 99: Ehm, do you happen to know anything about diamonds, Hondo?
- Hondo: Hondo can crush diamonds with teeth.
- Maxwell Smart: What kind of a trick is that?
- Hondo: Expensive.
- Maxwell Smart: All right, Hondo. I'm used to dealing with big ugly apes with you...
- [Max punches Hondo three times in the stomach, gives a karate chop to the right shoulder and slugs him across the face. Hondo doesn't budge]
- Maxwell Smart: [Max puts his arm around Hondo] Eh... listen Hondo, I eh, I hope I wasn't out of line with that crack about the ape...