- Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: When the moon is full, the tide is high.
- Mrs. Green: You must want the spy school. That's next door.
- Hillary Gainsborough: Are you accusing me on this flimsy evidence?
- Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: No, I have some more flimsy evidence!
- Agent 99: And best of all, Max, the security of our espionage school hasn't been violated.
- Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: That's right, 99, there's nothing more important than security, nothing. Why without security, none of us would be safe.
- Man: Excuse me, is this Mrs. Green's house?
- Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: No, that's the spy school, Mrs. Green's house is over there.
- Hillary Gainsborough: Are you familiar with Karate?
- Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: Are you kidding? Why, Karate happens to be one of my favorite hobbies. Why, with one perfectly timed chop of my hand I can break eight boards this thick, would you believe it, eight.
- Hillary Gainsborough: I find that very difficult to believe.
- Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: Would you believe seven?
- Hillary Gainsborough: I don't think so.
- Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: How about a loaf of bread?
- Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: [posing as Alexander Loomis] New eh? And British. What was Micky Mantle's batting average in 1961?
- Hillary Gainsborough: I eh, I don't know...
- Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: Correct. Because if you did know, you'd be American, not British. A new trainee can't be too careful.
- Dean Watson: Smart!
- Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: No, Loomis.
- Maxwell Smart, Agent 86: Well, there you have it, gentlemen, another wonderful theory down the drain.
- Maxwell Smart: Well, there was this East Himalayan traveling salesman, see, and his ox-cart broke down in front of a farm house. Well, he went up and he knocked on the door and the farmer opened the door. And the traveling salesman said: 'Oh oh oh hey, mahu, savali naaneh'. And the farmer replied: 'Aaka maaka soo soo'.
- [laughs riotously]
- Maxwell Smart: An East Himalayan bum walked up to me on the street one day and said: 'Ana hoho uni, aha awahi tiki'. And I said - what's the punchline?
- [points at Dimitri]
- Dimitri: I said: 'Yehi tajo gurka hama'.
- Maxwell Smart: [Max checks the punchline in the East Himalayan joke book and begins to chuckle] That's very funny Dimitri.