- Maxwell Smart: 99, I'm hit! I'm bleeding!
- # 99: It's only red wine, Max.
- Maxwell Smart: I'm bleeding red wine?
- Maxwell Smart: [interrogating a KAOS parrot] Listen, are you gonna talk, or am I gonna bring in the cat?
- Agent 13: [hiding inside a weight and fortune machine] Hi 86, Agent 13 here.
- Maxwell Smart: What have you got, 13?
- Agent 13: Claustrophobia and flat feet.
- Maxwell Smart: Take my watch as security.
- Agent 13: Yeah, well, I don't know, 86...
- [starts examining it]
- Maxwell Smart: It's a perfectly good watch!
- Agent 13: Look at that, one of Mickey Mouse' hands is broken.
- # 99: Wait! Before you shoot us. I'd like to ask for something.
- Kosovich: What is it?
- # 99: A goodbye kiss.
- Maxwell Smart: 99, you hardly know him!
- Maxwell Smart: Well, have you seen anything weird or suspicious?
- Agent 13: [grinning] Not til you came along.
- Maxwell Smart: I wonder what made him suspicious?
- # 99: It's those squeaky shoes of yours Max. Maybe you should take them off.
- Maxwell Smart: Good thinking 99.
- [He takes his shoes off but, when he starts walking, the squeak is still audible]
- Maxwell Smart: It's not my shoes. I think it's my socks.
- # 99: Then take your socks off.
- Maxwell Smart: I'd rather not 99.
- # 99: Why?
- Maxwell Smart: It might be my feet.
- # 99: Usual procedure?
- Chief: Naturally, three copies of the report.
- # 99: File the master copy and burn the other two.
- Chief: Of course.
- # 99: Chief, I've been meaning to ask you about that. Why do we bother making extra copies when all we do is destroy them?
- Chief: That's security procedure, 99.
- # 99: Doesn't it strike you as being a little odd?
- Chief: Well, I used to think so too, but well it's all carefully explained in the Control Standard Procedure Handbook.
- # 99: Oh, may I have a look at that handbook some time?
- Chief: No, I'm afraid not, 99.
- # 99: Why not?
- Chief: We burned it.