Futurama (TV Series)

War Is the H-Word (2000)

Billy West: Philip J. Fry, Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth, Dr. Zoidberg, Zapp Brannigan, President Richard Nixon's Head, Cashier, Additional Voices

Photos 

Quotes 

• [having just encountered Leela, who is pretending to be a male soldier] 

  Captain Zapp Brannigan : That young man fills me with hope. Plus some other emotions which are weird and deeply confusing.

• Leela : You know, Zapp, someone ought to teach you a lesson.

  Captain Zapp Brannigan : If it's a lesson in love, watch out. I suffer from a very sexy learning disability. What did I call it, Kif?

  Kif Kroker : Ugh... sexlexia.

• Richard Nixon's Head : So anyway, we open the panda crate, and wouldn't you know it, the damn thing was dead. Upchucked its bamboo. True story.

  Captain Zapp Brannigan : Uh-huh.Uh-huh. That's whatever you were talking about for ya.

• Captain Zapp Brannigan : As you know, the key to victory is the element of surprise. Surprise!

  [pushes button, bay doors open under soldiers] 

• Richard Nixon's Head : Accompaning you will be our top peace negotiator, Henry Kissinger.

  Henry Kissinger's Head : How are you?

  Bender : Is he any good?

  Richard Nixon's Head : Looking like that, he talked his way into Jill St. John's bed. Enough said.

• Fry : Uh, just so we'll know, who's the enemy?

  Captain Zapp Brannigan : A valid question! We know nothing about them, their language, their history or what they look like. But we can assume this. They stand for everything we don't stand for. Also they told me you guys look like dorks.

  Bender : They look like dorks!

• Soldier : So, any of you fellas got a special lady back home?

  Fry : Well, I sorta have a thing for this girl I work with.

  Leela : [Exclaims]  Really?

  [Realises is posing as Private Lemon and lowers voice] 

  Leela : What type is she? You know, blonde or Chinese or Cyclops?

  Fry : Cyclops.

• Soldier : This is the worst part. The calm before the battle.

  Fry : And then the battle is not so bad?

  Soldier : Oh, right. I forgot about the battle.

• Captain Zapp Brannigan : You'll be negotiating with the balls mysterious leaders, the Brain Balls. They've got a lot of brains, and they've got a lot of chutzpah...

• Fry : Ooh. "Big Pink." It's the only gum with the breath-freshening power of ham.

  Bender : And it pinkens your teeth as you chew.

• Richard Nixon's Head : [addressing the troops]  We are now in position above Spheron One. This is the moment we were training for all yesterday afternoon.

• Fry : Full price for gum? That dog won't hunt, monsignor.

• Fry : Okay, I gotta break down that gate, beat up those three guards, steal that chopper, and rescue Bender.

  [Leela, as Lee Lemon, busts open the gate and knocks out the guards] 

  Fry : Hey, I did it! Wait, that's not me.

• Captain Zapp Brannigan : I'm de-promoting you, soldier. Kif, what's the most humiliating job there is?

  Kif Kroker : Being your assistant.

  Captain Zapp Brannigan : Wrong. Being *your* assistant.

• [Leela has beaten up Zapp Brannigan] 

  Captain Zapp Brannigan : Oh god, I've never been so happy to be beaten up by a woman.

  Leela : Let's do it again sometime.

• [regarding a desolate planet at the centre of an intergalactic war] 

  Solider : Why is this godforsaken hellhole worth dying for?

  Captain Zapp Brannigan : Don't ask me. You're the ones who are going to be dying.

• [bouncing on a ball towards Bender and the brain balls] 

  Fry : At last, war has made me into a man. Whee!

• Captain Zapp Brannigan : Easy, soldier! You spooked Felicity.

  [comforting his horse, Felicity] 

  Captain Zapp Brannigan : There, there, boy.

• Nurse : Are you ready to operate, doctor?

  Dr. Zoidberg : I'd love to, but first I have to perform surgery.

• Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth : Now, be careful, Fry. And if you kill anyone, make sure to eat their heart to gain their courage. Their rich, tasty courage.

• Recruitment Officer : Just sign on the dotted line, patriots, and I'll give you your discount cards.

  Fry : Just out of curiosity, we could use the cards to buy gum, then immediately quit the army, right?

  Bender : You know, playing you all for chumps?

  Recruitment Officer : Correct. There's no obligation.

  [Fry and Bender sign their cards, giggling] 

  Recruitment Officer : Unless, of course, war were declared.

  [Siren blares] 

  Fry : What's that?

  Recruitment Officer : War were declared.

• 7-11 Clerk : If for any reason you're not completely satisfied, I hate you.

• Captain Zapp Brannigan : [as Kif scrubs his back]  A little lower, Kif. Lower. Lower. Lower. A lot lower. Too low! Lower.

• Dr. Zoidberg : I'm afraid he's gone. Next patient.

  Bumpkin Soldier : Wait, Doc. I'm not dead yet.

  Dr. Zoidberg : Excuse me, but who's the doctor?

  iHawk : You can keep calling yourself that, it won't make it true.

• Brain Balls : Wait, stop! We give in to all of Earth's demands. The war is over. Our home planet is yours.

  Philip J. Fry : All right! Hey, wait a minute. This is your home planet? WE'RE the alien invaders?

  Brain Balls : Correct.

  Bender : Then I guess you learned a valuable lesson: Don't mess with Earth.

• Captain Zapp Brannigan : Lemon, you're a man's man. You're a man's man's man. More importantly, your hand, while firm and masculine, is soft as a velvet child. What lotion do you use?

  Leela : Pert and Popular, sir.

  Captain Zapp Brannigan : Roger that. Kif, get me ten cases of Pert and Popular.

  Kif Kroker : What shall I do with your Jergens, sir?

  Captain Zapp Brannigan : Squirt it on some homeless man with dry elbows.

• Dr. Zoidberg : Scalpel. Blood bucket. Priest. Next patient!

  iHawk : Geez, Zoidberg. Leave some for the enemy to kill.

  Nurse : You leave Dr. Zoidberg alone. He has twice the training you have.

  iHawk : Yeah, he's a doctor and a butcher.

  [laughs] 

  Dr. Zoidberg : See, this is how it starts. First with the jokes, then comes the heavy stuff.

  iHawk : [Turns switch from irreverent to maudlin]  When will the killing end?

• Captain Zapp Brannigan : Private Lemon is the finest soldier I've seen since my mirror got grease on it.

• Captain Zapp Brannigan : Dammit, Kif! Where's the little umbrella? That's what makes it as scotch on the rocks.

• Cashier : Our policy is, if for any reason you're not satisfied with our service, I hate you.

• Captain Zapp Brannigan : Stop exploding, you cowards.

• Fry : Wow. That guy makes Speedy Gonzalez look like Regular Gonzalez.

• Captain Zapp Brannigan : Men, you're lucky men. Soon, you'll all be fighting for your planet. many of you will be dying for your planet. A few of you will be put through a fine mesh screen for your planet. They will be the luckiest of all.

• Richard Nixon's Head : Oh, God, cover yourself! I didn't live a thousand years and travel a quadrillion miles to look at another man's gizmo.

• Fry : [Leela running a circuit, in disguise as a male soldier]  Wow, look at that guy. He makes Speedy Gonzales look like Regular Gonzales.

• Fry : [about the hologram of Spheron 1]  Cool effect!

• Kif Kroker : That new recruit is phenomenal, sir!

  Captain Zapp Brannigan : Yes. He edged out my old mark by two seconds... and sixteen minutes... and twelve hours... I do plan to finish someday, Kif!