Futurama (TV Series)

War Is the H-Word (2000)

John DiMaggio: Bender, Henry Kissinger's Head, Bumpkin Soldier, Additional Voices

Photos 

Quotes 

• Bender : These balls are making me testy! If they don't stop bouncing and jiggling, I swear I'm gonna shove this treaty up their... Wait a minute, where do you shove things up a ball?

• [Bender has a defused bomb in his body that may go off if he uses the word "ass"] 

  Bender : Oh, man. What's the use of living if I can't say ass?

  [gasps loudly, nothing happens] 

  Bender : Hey! I didn't blow up. Ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass!

• Richard Nixon's Head : Accompaning you will be our top peace negotiator, Henry Kissinger.

  Henry Kissinger's Head : How are you?

  Bender : Is he any good?

  Richard Nixon's Head : Looking like that, he talked his way into Jill St. John's bed. Enough said.

• Brain Balls : The elders tell of a young ball much like you. He bounced three meters in the air, then he bounced 1.8 meters in the air, then he bounced four meters in the air. Do I make myself clear?

  Henry Kissinger's Head : Mister Ambassador, our people tell the same story.

• Fry : Uh, just so we'll know, who's the enemy?

  Captain Zapp Brannigan : A valid question! We know nothing about them, their language, their history or what they look like. But we can assume this. They stand for everything we don't stand for. Also they told me you guys look like dorks.

  Bender : They look like dorks!

• Fry : Ooh. "Big Pink." It's the only gum with the breath-freshening power of ham.

  Bender : And it pinkens your teeth as you chew.

• Henry Kissinger's Head : Young man, you have the courage of a hero. And the breath of a fresh summer ham.

• Solider : [Dying]  Give this to my son.

  [Gives Bender a watch] 

  Bender : You got it!

  [Leaves] 

  Solider : Wait! I didn't tell you where he lives.

  Bender : Hey, I think your son might also like those boots.

• Bender : This is the worst kind of discrimination. The kind against me.

• Recruitment Officer : Just sign on the dotted line, patriots, and I'll give you your discount cards.

  Fry : Just out of curiosity, we could use the cards to buy gum, then immediately quit the army, right?

  Bender : You know, playing you all for chumps?

  Recruitment Officer : Correct. There's no obligation.

  [Fry and Bender sign their cards, giggling] 

  Recruitment Officer : Unless, of course, war were declared.

  [Siren blares] 

  Fry : What's that?

  Recruitment Officer : War were declared.

• Henry Kissinger's Head : Young man, you have the courage of a hero. And breath as fresh as a summer ham.

• Dr. Zoidberg : I'm afraid he's gone. Next patient.

  Bumpkin Soldier : Wait, Doc. I'm not dead yet.

  Dr. Zoidberg : Excuse me, but who's the doctor?

  iHawk : You can keep calling yourself that, it won't make it true.

• Bender : These balls are making me testy. If they don't stop bouncing and jiggling, I swear I'm gonna shove this treaty up their - Wait a second. Where do you shove things up a ball?

  Henry Kissinger's Head : This isn't a productive area of discussion.

• Brain Balls : Wait, stop! We give in to all of Earth's demands. The war is over. Our home planet is yours.

  Philip J. Fry : All right! Hey, wait a minute. This is your home planet? WE'RE the alien invaders?

  Brain Balls : Correct.

  Bender : Then I guess you learned a valuable lesson: Don't mess with Earth.

• Bender : Bender, if you say the A-word, you'll blow this whole planet straight to the H-word!

• Bender : These balls are making me testy!