Futurama (TV Series)

That's Lobstertainment! (2001)

Maurice LaMarche: Calculon, Academy Awards Announcer

Quotes 

• Calculon : Are you my hot water heater?

  Bender : No, I'm Bender. We met once, remember?

  Calculon : Absolutely not.

  Bender : Come on, don't you remember how much I bugged you? Don't you? 'Cause it was a lot. You remember, right?

  Calculon : Look, I'm programmed to be very busy. Unless you can heat water to 212 degrees, I'm not interested.

  [closes door; Bender knocks again] 

  Calculon : Have you got an extra GOTO 10 line? I said I don't need a bender.

  Bender : Bender? That was the other guy. My name's Boiler.

  [cut to Bender serving as water boiler for Calculon's shower] 

  Calculon : Nice work, Boiler.

  Bender : Thanks. And call me Bender.

• Calculon : [upset]  Everyone walked out. They hated it. I've seen plagues that had better opening nights than this. You said that Oscar was practically on my mantle.

  Bender : Now you know why I used the qualifier "practically".

• Calculon : I told you I want an Oscar!

  Bender : Then maybe you should act better.

  Calculon : The Oscar isn't about acting. It's about earning the respect and admiration of the creative community.

  Harold Zoid : How about we rig the awards?

  Calculon : That's fine too.

• Calculon : [to Bender]  You listen to me, I'm out a million bucks here! You get me that Oscar, or you're dead! You and these sniveling lobsters. Dead, you hear me? DEEAADD!

  [Calculon leaves, as Bender and Zoidberg shake in fear] 

  Harold Zoid : Oy, NOW he emotes!

• Calculon : Let me see the script.

  [after reading for a second] 

  Calculon : No, I don't like the font. Wait. "Harold Zoid". Was this written by 'the' Harold Zoid ?

  Dr. Zoidberg : Written and Xeroxed.

• Bender : Then you're not gonna kill us, your majesty?

  Calculon : Nay, I respect and admire Harold Zoid too much to beat him to death with his own Oscar.

• Calculon : 400 categories, and not a single nomination for me.

  Dr. Zoidberg : But you won this Golden Globe.

  Calculon : Piffle! That's the Emmy of movie awards!

• Calculon : Let me see the script.

  [after reading for a second] 

  Calculon : No, I don't like the font. Wait. "Harold Zoid". Was this written by 'the' Harold Zoid?

  Dr. Zoidberg : Written and Xeroxed.

• Academy Award Presenter : And the nominees for Best Soft Drink Product Placement are... Star Trek: The Pepsi Generation, They Call Me Mr. Pibb, and Snow White and the Seven-ups.

• Calculon : And you say you can guarantee me the Oscar?

  Bender : I can guarantee you anything you want.