Futurama (TV Series)
A Clone of My Own (2000)
Billy West: Philip J. Fry, Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth, Dr. Zoidberg, Robot Doorman #1
Photos
Quotes
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Professor Hubert Farnsworth : [on a holographic message] I know you're all very upset, especially Bender.
Bender : Well, life goes on... except for you. Ha ha ha ha!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth : I'm sure that Bender has just made a cutting remark. But he doesn't know I taped over his soap operas to record this message.
Bender : You bastard!
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Robot Doorman #1 : Halt! Identify this guest.
Leela : This is Hubert Farnsworth. He escaped.
Robot Doorman #1 : Escaped? No one escapes!
Robot Doorman #2 : This guest does not look 160-years old.
Fry : What? I'm old. Listen. Hey, you kids! Get off my lawn!
Robot Doorman #1 : Hmm, it is true old people are often concerned that there are children in their lawn.
Robot Doorman #2 : There is no denying that, but we'll still need to verify his identity with a DNA sample.
Bender : [presents the guard with a large jar of blood] Got a hot, steaming batch right here.
Robot Doorman #2 : We only needed one cell.
Bender : Ah, keep the change, buddy.
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Professor Hubert Farnsworth : These are the dark matter engines I invented. They allow my starship to travel between galaxies in mere hours.
Cubert J. Farnsworth : That's impossible. You can't go faster than the speed of light.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Of course not. That's why scientists increased the speed of light in 2208.
Cubert J. Farnsworth : Also impossible
Professor Hubert Farnsworth : And what makes my engines truly remarkable is the afterburner, which delivers 200% fuel efficiency.
Cubert J. Farnsworth : That's especially impossible.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Not at all. It's very simple.
Cubert J. Farnsworth : Then explain it.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Now that's impossible! It came to me in a dream, and I forgot it in another dream.
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Cubert J. Farnsworth : Your explanations are pure weapons grade balognium. It's all impossible.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Nothing is impossible. Not if you can imagine it. That's what being is a scientist is all about.
Cubert J. Farnsworth : No, that's what being a magical elf is all about.
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Cubert J. Farnsworth : As long as I'm going to be in charge here, let me examine my so-called crew, if it can so be called. First of all, "Doctor" Zoidberg, do you even have a medical degree?
Dr. Zoidberg : I lost it... in a volcano.
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Professor Hubert Farnsworth : [Professor Farnsworth is showing Cubert, his clone, some of his inventions] And this is my Universal Translator. Unfortunately, so far it only translates into an incomprehensible dead language.
Cubert J. Farnsworth : [into the translator's microphone] Hello.
Translator Machine : Bonjour!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Crazy gibberish!
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Dr. Zoidberg : I'm not saying Professor Farnsworth is old, but if you consider his age, he's likely to die soon.
[pause]
Dr. Zoidberg : [to Drummer] Hey, Ringo. That was the joke. Oh, it's Showtime at the Apollo all over again.
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Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Goodbye, cruel world. Goodbye, cruel lamp. Goodbye, cruel velvet drapes, lined with what would appear to be some kind of cruel muslin. And the cute little pom-pom pull ropes, cruel though they may be...
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Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Good news, everyone!
[reading the letter he got]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth : The University is bringing me up on disciplinary charges... wait... that's not good news at all.
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Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Good news, everyone! The university is bringing me on disciplinary charges. Wait - that's not good news at all.
Leela : Whatever you did, professor, I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Yes, but they won't listen! Everybody's always in favor of saving Hitler's brain. But when you put it in the body of a great white shark - uuuh, suddenly you've gone too far.
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Professor Hubert Farnsworth : What a pleasure it is to see my lifetime of accomplishment summed up in a three-minute film. My best years are behind me. So much left undone. So little time.
[sits down, depressed]
Bender : [clapping] Funny, funny stuff.
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Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Listen to me, you pompous frauds! If I'm going down, I'm taking you all with me. Dean Vernon, I know the truth. It was you driving your hovercar last night, not your horse! Dean Epsilon, I know all about your Department of Pool Boy Studies. And Doctor Wernstrom... Wernstrom!
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Dr. Zoidberg : Good evening, ladies and germs.
[rimshot]
Dr. Zoidberg : That wasn't a joke. I was talking to Dean Streptococcus.
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Professor Hubert Farnsworth : So many loves half-loved. So many inventions half-invented. That damn time machine alone set me back fifteen years.
Dr. Zoidberg : If only it'd work, you could go back and not waste your time on it.
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Cubert J. Farnsworth : Why do I have to be the hump?
Fry : 'Cause you're too ugly to be a wart.
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Cubert J. Farnsworth : Look Professor. I may be identical to you in every possible way but that doesn't mean I'm anything like you.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth : You... wha?
Cubert J. Farnsworth : I don't want to be an inventor. I want to be something useful like a teacher's aide or a prison guard or a science fiction cartoon writer.
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Fry : Nothing is impossible. You'd know that if you really took after the professor, like I do.
Cubert J. Farnsworth : You're his uncle, dummy. He takes after you.
Fry : Uh, wha?
Cubert J. Farnsworth : Wait a minute, that means I also take after you. Aaaah!
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Bender : How 'bout a few words, Professor?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Huh, wha... er...?
Bender : I said words.
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Fry : Sorry to disappoint you, but need I remind you?: blood is thicker than water.
Dr. Zoidberg : [writting] Blood... thicker?... water.
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Fry : You know, when I was asked to make a film about my nephew, Professor Farnsworth, I thought, "Why should I?" Then later, Leela made the film. But if I had made the film, you could bet there would've been more topless women on motorcycles. Roll film!
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Leela : Okay, we'll tell them the professor escaped and we're bringing him back. Fry, you'll have to dress up like a 160-year-old.
Fry : I'm on it.
[lifts up his pants and acts old and frail]
Cubert J. Farnsworth : My God, the illusion is so perfect. I almost forgot I was looking at an idiot!
Leela : Now they may ask for a DNA sample.
Fry : [hikes up his pants higher] I'd like to see them find it.
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Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Thank you all for saving me. Especially you, my little clone. No matter what you decide to do with your life, I'm proud of you.
Cubert J. Farnsworth : I've already decided. Dad, when I grow up, I wanna be just like you.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Don't worry, son, you will. Incidentally, you might want to read up on a condition known as wandering bladder.
Cubert J. Farnsworth : Why?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Oh, no reason. No reason at all.
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Professor Hubert Farnsworth : And you, Coach Smalley, or should I say Coach Hairpiece...
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Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Oh, Cubert, come in here. I have something amazing to show you.
Cubert J. Farnsworth : What is it? A competent employee? I doubt that very much.
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Cubert J. Farnsworth : [Hiding on Fry's back] Stupid robot.
Robot Doorman #1 : Did your hump just say something?
Fry : Uh... I've got Talking Hump Syndrome.
Robot Doorman #1 : Ah, THS.
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Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Good news, everyone. Tomorrow, you'll all be making a delivery to Ebola 9, the virus planet.
Hermes : Why can't they go today?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Because tonight's a special night and I want you all to be alive. It's the Academy of Inventors annual symposium.
Fry : Wow, I love symposia!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth : It's the scientific event of the season. Every member presents an invention. The best one wins the Academy prize.
Bender : Sounds boring.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Oh my, yes.
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Professor Hubert Farnsworth : [Professor Farnsworth is showing Cubert, his clone, some of his inventions] This is my Universal Translator. It could have been my greatest invention, but it translates everything into an incomprehensible dead language
Cubert J. Farnsworth : [into the translator's microphone] Hello.
Universal Translator : Bonjour!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth : See? Lousy gibberish!
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Cubert J. Farnsworth : Your explanations are pure weapons grade balonium. It's all impossible.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Nothing is impossible. Not if you can imagine it. That's what being is a scientist is all about.
Cubert J. Farnsworth : No, that's what being a magical elf is all about.
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Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Bad news, everyone.