Futurama (TV Series)

A Big Piece of Garbage (1999)

Billy West: Philip J. Fry, Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth, Dr. Zoidberg, Documentary Narrator

Photos 

Quotes 

• Fry : Did you build the Smelloscope?

  Professor Hubert Farnsworth : No, I remembered that I'd built one last year. Go ahead, try it. You'll find that every heavenly body has its own particular scent. Here, I'll point it at Jupiter.

  Fry : Smells like strawberries.

  Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Exactly. And now, Saturn.

  Fry : Pine needles. Oh, man, this is great... hey, as long as you don't make me smell Uranus.

  Leela : I don't get it.

  Professor Hubert Farnsworth : I'm sorry, Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid joke once and for all.

  Fry : Oh. What's it called now?

  Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Urrectum. Here, let me locate it for you.

  Fry : No, no, I, I think I'll just smell around a bit over here.

• Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Behold, the death clock. Simply jam your finger in the hole, and this readout tells you how long you have to live.

  Leela : Does it really work?

  Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Well, it's occasionally off by a few seconds, what with free will and all.

  Fry : Sounds like fun. How long do I have to live?

  [sticks his finger in the hole; the professor looks and whistles] 

  Bender : Ooh! Dibs on his CD player!

• Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Remarkable. A stench so foul it's right off the funkometer. I dare say, Fry may have discovered the smelliest object in the known universe.

  Bender : Ooh! Name it after me!

• Leela : We recycle everything. Robots are made out of old beer cans.

  Bender : Yeah, and this beer can is made out of old robots.

  Leela : And that sandwich your eating is made out of old, discarded sandwiches. Nothing just gets thrown away.

  Fry : The future is disgusting!

• Documentary Narrator : The repulsive barge circled the Earth for fifty years, and no country would take it, not even that really filthy country. You know the one I mean.

• Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Good news, everyone. Tomorrow, you'll be making a delivery to Ebola 9, the virus planet.

  Hermes : Why can't they go today?

  Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Because tonight's a special night and I want all of you to be alive. It's the Academy of Inventors annual symposium.

  Fry : Wow, I love symposia!

  Professor Hubert Farnsworth : It's the event of the scientific season. Every member presents an invention. The best one wins the Academy prize.

  Bender : Sounds boring.

  Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Oh my, yes.

• Leela : Should we really be celebrating? I mean, what if the second ball of garbage returns to Earth like the first one did?

  Fry : Who cares? That won't be for hundreds of years.

  Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Exactly. It's none of our concern.

  Fry : That's the twentieth century spirit.

• [they have found an internet documentary about the garbage ball] 

  Fry : Wow. In my day, the internet was only used to download porn.

  Leela : Actually, that's still the case.

  Scientist #1 : Now that the garbage is gone, doctor, perhaps you could help me with my sexual inhibitions.

  Scientist #2 : With gusto.

  [documentary music] 

• Professor Hubert Farnsworth : I was inventing things before you were barely turning senile.

• Fry : Hey, you have no right to criticize the 20th century. We gave the world the light bulb, the steam boat and the cotton gin.

  Leela : Those things are all from the 19th century.

  Fry : Yeah, well, they probably just copied us.

• Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Eureka!

  Fry : Did you build the smellascope ?

  Professor Hubert Farnsworth : No. It turns out I built one last year.

• Leela : Fry, this stuff was garbage when it was new. Let's blow it up already.

  Fry : This junk isn't garbage! I can dig in any random pile and find something great.

  [He dives into a pile, comes up chocking from a six-pack ring around his neck; Leela cuts it with a knife] 

  Fry : All right, let's get to work.

• Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Now, now. There'll be plenty of time to discuss your objections when and if you return.

• Professor Hubert Farnsworth : A hundred years ago, he was my most promising student at Mars University. But then, after one fateful pop quiz...

  [flashback] 

  Professor Ogden Wernstrom : A-minus? No one gives Ogden Wernstrom an A-minus!

  Professor Hubert Farnsworth : I'm sorry, but penmanship counts.

  Professor Ogden Wernstrom : I swear I'll have my revenge, even if it takes me a hundred years!

  Professor Hubert Farnsworth : [back to present]  And here it is, slightly over 99 years later, and still no revenge. I'm essentially in the clear.

• Professor Ogden Wernstrom : And what will you be presenting this evening, professor?

  Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Let's just say it'll put you young whippersnappers in your place.

  Professor Ogden Wernstrom : I just hope it's not that lame death clock you presented last year.

  Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Uh... last year, you say?

  Professor Ogden Wernstrom : That's right.

  Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Oh, my. Did it put you young whippersnappers in your place?

  Professor Ogden Wernstrom : Hardly. We all laughed so hard our teeth fell out. Come along, Cinnamon.

  [Wernstrom leaves with his fish] 

  Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Oh, dear. I'll have to invent something new in the next ten minutes. Perhaps some sort of death clock.

• Fry : No, Professor, don't give up. There were plenty of times in my century when I was going to give up, but I never did, never. Hey, are you even listening to me? Oh, I give up.

• Fry : Look at that! A Mr. Spock collectors plate and, woah! a Bart Simpson Doll!

  Bartholemew Jo-Jo 'Bart' Simpson Doll : Eat my shorts!

  Bender : OK! Mmmmmm, shorts.

• Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Wernstrom!

  Professor Ogden Wernstrom : The very same.