- Monica Geller-Bing: Hey, what's this?
- Rachel Green: Oh, it's a gift certificate to this new spa in Soho.
- Monica Geller-Bing: Oh, you can't show Phoebe this. She hates those corporate massage chains.
- Rachel Green: Oh, what? Now I can't get a massage? There are so many things that she disapproves of. I can't eat veal, I can't wear fur, I can't go hunting.
- Monica Geller-Bing: Do you wanna go hunting?
- Rachel Green: Well, I would like to have the option.
- Phoebe Buffay: [entering Joey and Chandler's apartment, Rachel and Monica are there] Hey guys, look what I just got.
- [Phoebe shows them a pair of shoes]
- Rachel Green: Oh, wow, I love those! Where did you get them?
- Phoebe Buffay: I bought them off eBay. They used to belong to the late Shania Twain.
- Rachel Green: Phoebe, Shania Twain is still alive.
- Phoebe Buffay: Oh, then I overpaid.
- Charlie Wheeler: First, I have to see the Met!
- Joey: OK, let me stop you right there, the Mets suck. You wanna see the Yankees!
- Charlie Wheeler: No, not the Mets.The Met. Singular.
- Joey: Which one? They all suck!
- Charlie Wheeler: The museum.
- Joey: I don't think so...
- [Rachel exits through the glass doors just as Phoebe enters the Spa Reception]
- Spa Receptionist: [politely] Phoebe, your next client's in the Waiting Room.
- Phoebe Buffay: OK. Do we have to talk like that when they're not around?
- [the Spa Receptionist smiles, Phoebe looks towards the glass doors and sees Rachel who doesn't see her. Rachel takes a seat as Phoebe quickly turns around and gasps]
- Phoebe Buffay: [concerned] Oh. Ooh no-no-no. Listen... is there someone who can fill in for me?
- Spa Receptionist: [looks at the bookings] Sorry. Everyone is booked.
- Phoebe Buffay: But that woman can't know that I work here. She's a friend of mine and I made this... *big* stink about how awful these Massage Chains are.
- Spa Receptionist: Then why do you work here?
- Phoebe Buffay: 'Cause it's good money... that doesn't change the fact that this is an evil, blood-sucking cooperate machine.
- Spa Receptionist: [quite joyfully] Well, I think this is a great place to work.
- Phoebe Buffay: [looks around and whispers] OK. Are they listening?
- Rachel Green: [annoyed] Phoebe, why did you lie to me about working here?
- Phoebe Buffay: [annoyed] Because I was ashamed! OK? I sold out for the cash! And they give me benefits like medical, dental and a furrow wonk...
- [Rachel looks confused]
- Phoebe Buffay: [annoyed] But, you know, you pay a price! Now I'm this corporate stooge and, and... punching a clock and oh... paying taxes!
- Rachel Green: [sympathetic and encouraging] Phoebe honey, if you hate it so much, you should walk out there right now... and quit. Be true to what you believe in! Honey, you have principles and I *so* admire that. I don't have any!
- Phoebe Buffay: You know what? You're right. I am gonna quit. It's time I took my life back.
- Rachel Green: [Phoebe turns to leave] Good for you Pheebs!
- Phoebe Buffay: OK.
- [Phoebe leaves the massage room, closes and door and stops]
- Phoebe Buffay: [looks up and whispers] If you guys have microphones in there too, I didn't mean any of that. I love you!
- Rachel Green: [entering the Spa Reception] Hi there.
- Spa Receptionist: [politely] Hello. Welcome to Lavender Day Spa. How may I help you?
- Rachel Green: [impressed] Oh. Um, hi. I'm uh, I have a massage appointment under Rachel Green.
- [Rachel reaches into her bag and takes out the taped together Gift Certificate]
- Spa Receptionist: OK.
- Rachel Green: And here is my... Gift Certificate.
- [Rachel hands the certificate over to the Spa Receptionist]
- Spa Receptionist: [examines the certificate] This has been torn up.
- Rachel Green: [points out] And... taped back together.
- Spa Receptionist: [politely] OK. Well, I'll call you as soon as your Massage Therapist is ready.
- Rachel Green: [turning to leave] OK.
- Spa Receptionist: [politely] Have a seat through the glass doors.
- Rachel Green: [indicates the glass doors] Through the glass doors?
- Spa Receptionist: [well spoken with a smile] Through the glass doors.
- Rachel Green: [gladly] Alrighty then.
- [last lines]
- Spa Receptionist: [politely] Good morning Phoebe.
- Phoebe Buffay: [puts on a polite tone with a smile] Good morning Receptionist.
- Spa Receptionist: [politely gives Phoebe a piece of paper] Here's your schedule for the day. Your first client is in room number one.
- Phoebe Buffay: [looks at the schedule] Bu... Rachel Green? Son of a bitch! She came back?
- [Phoebe goes to room number one and opens the door slightly]
- Phoebe Buffay: [calls inside with a Scottish accent] Are ya ready for your Scottish massage? Put ya face in the hole lassie!
- [Phoebe enters the room and closes the door]
- [Rachel is waiting for her massage, Phoebe opens the door slightly but moves back so Rachel doesn't see her]
- Phoebe Buffay: [calls inside the room with a Swedish accent] Hello ya. It's time for your massage, ya. Put-put your face in the hole.
- Rachel Green: [impressed] Well, a Swedish massage from a real Swedish person! Ha!
- Phoebe Buffay: [enters the room and slowly closes the door] OK, then I'm Swedish.
- Phoebe Buffay: [annoyed that Rachel found out she worked at the Spa] How can you come here?
- Rachel Green: [annoyed] How could you not tell me you worked here?
- Phoebe Buffay: [defensively] I don't have to tell you everything!
- Rachel Green: Yes you do if you're gonna make me feel guilty for getting a free massage!
- Phoebe Buffay: Tip's not included.
- Rachel Green: [hits the bed in frustration] Oh!