- [after catching Ross kissing Chandler's mother in front of the male bathroom]
- Joey: I'll just go pee in the street.
- Chandler Bing: What the hell was that?
- Dr. Ross Geller: Oh, Phoebe just started her...
- Chandler Bing: I believe I was talking to Joey. All right there, mother-kisser?
- Monica Geller: Why did I 'Woo Hoo'?, I mean what was I hoping would happen? That he'd turn around and say 'I love that sound, I must have you now'?
- Nora Bing: [on TV] Oh, no, I am a fabulous Mom. I bought my son his first condom.
- Chandler Bing: [back at home] And then he burst into flames.
- Rachel Green: Mrs. Bing, I gotta tell you, I read every book you've ever written. No, I mean it! I mean, when I read Euphoria At Midnight, all I wanted to do was become a writer.
- Nora Bing: Oh, please! Listen, honey, if I can do it, anybody can. You just start off with half a dozen European cities, throw in thirty euphemisms for male genitalia, and
- [knocks her little fists together:]
- Nora Bing: bam! you have got yourself a book!
- Chandler Bing: My mother, ladies and gentlemen!
- [last lines]
- Rachel Green: Okay. Now this is just the first chapter. And I want your *absolute honest* opinion. Okay? Oh, oh, and on page two, he's not reaching for her heaving beets.
- Monica Geller: What's a niffle?
- Joey: You can usually find them on the heaving beets.
- Rachel Green: All right, all right, all right, so I'm not a great typist.
- Dr. Ross Geller: Wait. Did you get to the part about his great throbbing pens? Oh, yes, you don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those!
- Rachel Green: Forget it! Give it back!
- [tries to grab back her pages of script amidst much laughter]
- Monica Geller: [reads title] A Woman Undone, by Rachel Karen Green.
- Rachel Green: Yeah, thought I'd give it a shot. Still on the first chapter. Now, do you think his love-stick could be liberated from his denim prison?
- Monica Geller: Yeah, I think so. And there's no J in "engorge."
- Nora Bing: [after he stumbled out of the ladies' restroom:] What is with you tonight?
- Dr. Ross Geller: Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.
- Nora Bing: [finishes phone conversation] Okay, thank you.
- [puts down phone]
- Nora Bing: It's the Italian hand-licker, isn't it?
- Dr. Ross Geller: No, it's the one he's licking.
- Nora Bing: She's supposed to be with you.
- Dr. Ross Geller: [wryly] You're good.
- Nora Bing: Oh, Ross, look at me. I have sold a hundred million copies of my books, and you know why?
- Dr. Ross Geller: The girl on the cover with her nipples showing?
- Nora Bing: No, it's because I know how to write men that women fall in love with. Believe me, I cannot sell a Paolo. People will not turn three hundred and twenty-five pages for a Paolo. Come on, the guy's a secondary character, he's just a... you know, a complication you eventually kill off.
- Dr. Ross Geller: When?
- Nora Bing: He's not a hero. You know what a hero is?
- Dr. Ross Geller: The guy on the cover with his nipples showing?
- Nora Bing: No, it's *you*!
- Dr. Ross Geller: Please...
- Nora Bing: No, really, come on, you're smart, you're sexy...