Frasier (TV Series)

Whine Club (2000)

John Mahoney: Martin Crane

Quotes 

• Dr. Niles Crane : Well, it's a shame Mel had to leave.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh yeah, you know, we were having such a good time.

  Martin : Yes, Niles.

  Dr. Niles Crane : You know, I was nervous bringing her over here.

  [Frasier and Niles sit down on the couch as Martin sits in his recliner] 

  Dr. Niles Crane : Actually, I was concerned what you'd think, you know, getting to really know her for the first time. So?

  Roz : [Before Frasier or Martin can answer]  Ooh, I'm going to go let Eddie in.

  [Roz heads for the balcony] 

  Dr. Niles Crane : Come on, seriously, I want you to be totally honest. Tell me, what do you think of Mel?

  Daphne Moon : [entering from the kitchen while waiting on the phone]  Oh, I don't like her at all, she's bossy and fussy and mean. She's all wrong for you.

  [into phone] 

  Daphne Moon : Yes, I need a large pepperoni pizza, and some cheese bread!

  [Niles is alarmed by Daphne's comments as she heads back to the kitchen] 

  Martin : I'm sure she didn't mean that, Niles.

  [Martin follows Daphne into kitchen] 

  Dr. Niles Crane : [recovering]  Well, that was startling.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Yes, well, don't take that seriously, Niles. You know how women sometimes just form irrational dislikes for one another.

  Roz : [returning from the balcony]  Oh, that's great, I leave the room for one second and you rat me out.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : No, Roz...

  Roz : [pouring herself another Bloody Mary]  No, it's okay, I don't have anything to hide and I'm not irrational. She's pushy, demanding and a gigantic pain in the ass! I'd dump her like radioactive waste.

  Dr. Niles Crane : Well, so that's two of you in the Anti-Mel camp

  Roz : [to Frasier]  Oh, did you tell him what you thought of Mel too?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : No, Daphne did.

  Roz : Oops.

  [Roz heads for the kitchen] 

  Dr. Niles Crane : Frasier?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : I just think she's Maris all over again, she's manipulative... I think you're repeating a terrible pattern.

  Dr. Niles Crane : Well, isn't this neat? We all have our individual reasons for disliking her.

  [he looks up to see Martin returning from the kitchen with Daphne] 

  Dr. Niles Crane : Hey, Dad, what's your reason for disliking Mel?

  Daphne Moon : [to Martin]  So you did tell him what you think of her and after shoving me into the kitchen and shaking your freakin' finger at me!

  Martin : She's crazy, Niles, I don't know what she's talking about...

  Dr. Niles Crane : [getting up from the couch to get his coat]  No, no, that's all right, Dad. I, er, I asked you all to be honest and you were. I got my answer. You know what would have been nice? Is if one of you could have found one nice thing to say about her.

  [Niles exits and slams the door behind him in disgust. Frasier, Roz, Daphne and Martin look around in guilt for a few moments] 

  Daphne Moon : She does have that X-ray vision.

• Roz : Can I pour you a Bloody Mary, Mel?

  Mel : Not for me. It's a little early in the day for hard liquor, don't you think?

  Roz : Not anymore.

  [Roz takes the glass for herself instead as she sits in Martin's recliner] 

  Mel : Niles, let's get this gravlax in the refrigerator.

  [notices Eddie has his head in the bag] 

  Mel : Oh, hello, Eddie. Or should I say goodbye?

  Martin : Huh?

  Mel : Well, Martin, I'm sure you'll be locking Eddie out on the balcony if people are going to be eating here.

  [Mel follows Niles into the kitchen] 

  Martin : Well, I'll tell you who I'd like to lock out on the balcony...

  Roz : Oh please, let it be me!

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Now, now, may I remind you that we're having this little brunch in order to get acquainted with Mel. We owe it to Niles to give her a chance.

  Daphne Moon : [pouring herself a Bloody Mary]  I agree with Dr. Crane, we should all have another Bloody Mary.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : I didn't say that!

  Daphne Moon : It was implied.

• Clare : Marty, we have no reason to be uncomfortable. We're two consenting adults.

  Martin : What about your husband? He never consented.

  Clare : Stan loved you, Martin, and he loved me. If anything, he's up in heaven right now, watching us and smiling.

  Martin : You don't think he was watching the whole time do you?

  Clare : Not if heaven gets ESPN.

• Martin : [after Mel has left]  Well, that's a blessing. Now we can enjoy our breakfast.

  Roz : I doubt it. I was only allowed to make a cheese-free, mushroom-free, fat-free frittata, thanks to the girl in the plastic bubble!

  Daphne Moon : I think I'll order a pizza.

  [Daphne gets up from the couch and takes phone into kitchen] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : You know, I have half a mind to say something to Niles, he is making a terrible mistake with that woman!

  Martin : Frasier!

  Dr. Frasier Crane : But Dad, it is Maris all over again! She's dominating him, emasculating him!

  Martin : Look, I don't like her anymore than you do and God knows we've been through this before. I didn't like Lilith, we both didn't like Maris and you boys sure as hell didn't like Sherry, but what good did it do talking about it?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : But he's repeating a terrible pattern.

  Martin : Well he's going to repeat it whether you like it or not. And if you say anything, you're just going to drive a wedge between you. So, nobody's going to say a word!

• Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, well, I have a theory.

  Martin : Oh geez...!

• Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, splendid idea, Roz, Bloody Marys. You know, why don't you offer one of those to Claire?

  Martin : Oh, I don't think she's got time.

  Daphne Moon : I'll ask her. Mrs. Wojadubakowski, Mr. Crane was wondering if you had time for a quick one.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : [Frasier and Martin talk about his relation with Clare]  So, you're going to see her again?

  Martin : Oh, I don't know, I don't think it's gonna work out.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : You're not still feeling guilty, are you?

  Martin : No, what you said made a lot of sense. It's just that I think it's run its course.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, well, I have a theory.

  Martin : Geez!

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [Daphne enters and hears]  No, no, hear me out. I think by giving you my approval to sleep with Clare I've made it less exciting for you. There was a certain illicitness to the relationship that gave it a kind of piquancy.

  Martin : Frasier, it's Sunday, take the day off!

  Daphne Moon : Wait, Mr. Crane. You slept with Mrs. Wojadubakowski?

  Martin : [being sarcastic]  Yes, I did, isn't that adorable?

  Daphne Moon : No, it's disgusting, you dirty old man! Sleeping with that poor widow before her husband's even cold in the ground.

  Martin : You think that was wrong?

  Daphne Moon : You're damn right I do. You ought to be ashamed.

  Martin : See, I told you, Frasier.

  Daphne Moon : We live in a civilized society and there are certain rules we have to live by.

  [getting carried away and confused] 

  Daphne Moon : We all have impulses we'd like to explore, but we don't!

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Daphne?

  Daphne Moon : Well, we can't just go chasing anyone you fancy just because you're suddenly attracted to them. There are certain things you don't do, no matter how tempted you are.

  [Daphne leaves to her room] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Boy that was strange, wasn't it?

  Martin : I don't think it was strange at all! Made a lot of sense to me!

  [Martin gets up and gets his coat] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Where the hell are you going?

  Martin : Well, I better get over to Clare's and apologize. Don't wait up for me Frasier, I've got a lot of apologizing to do!

• Roz Doyle : [she and Frasier go to the kitchen to escape from Mel and her obnoxious attitude]  When you invited me, did you say "brunch for Mel" or "brunch from Hell"?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [utterly frustrated]  That woman is unbearable.

  Martin Crane : [coming into the kitchen]  Well, guess who's allergic to Eddie?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, Lord.

  Martin Crane : She wants a glass of water to take her pill with.

  [He starts making a glass of water] 

  Martin Crane : Boy, do you know what I can't stand? All that "sweetie, dearie, darling" stuff. I've never met anyone so phony!

  [Mel enters the kitchen and they all take notice] 

  Martin Crane : Hello, dear, here's your water.

  [He hands the water over to her and she takes it] 

  Dr. Mel Karnofsky : Thank you, Martin. Well, Frasier, I'm afraid I have some bad news. I just got beeped by my service and I have to go.