Frasier (TV Series)

Where There's Smoke, There's Fired (1996)

David Hyde Pierce: Dr. Niles Crane

Quotes 

• Bebe : After dinner is the time I need a cigarette most. As long as I don't stop eating, I'll be fine.

  Frasier : This is very good, Bebe. You're already identifying those moments that trigger your worst cravings.

  Bebe : [sarcastic]  Yeah, yeah!

  Frasier : No, really, perhaps it would help to know that you're not alone. Dad is an ex-smoker; Dad, can you tell us about when you crave a cigarette most?

  Martin : Ah, when I had insomnia. I'd get up, pour a glass full of Bourbon, light a cigarette, next thing you know, I couldn't keep my eyes open. Nothing relaxes you like a cigarette. Of course, it gives you a hell of a headache in the morning.

  Daphne : Well, I smoked for years but I never became addicted. To this day, I can buy a pack, have a cig or two, toss them in a drawer and not crave another for months.

  Bebe : You know there's a word for people who can do that... what is it? Oh yes - bitch!

  Niles : There's no need to be insulting just because you're wrestling with an unhealthy and disgusting habit.

  Bebe : It isn't disgusting; it's wonderful!

  Frasier : What is so wonderful about smoking?

  Bebe : Everything! I like the way a fresh firm pack feels in my hand. I like peeling away that little piece of cellophane and seeing it twinkle in the light. I like coaxing that first sweet cylinder out of its hiding place and bringing it slowly up to my lips. Striking a match, watching it burst into a perfect little flame and knowing that soon that flame will be inside me!

  [Begins displaying innuendo] 

  Bebe : I love the first puff, pulling it into my lungs... little fingers of smoking filling me, caressing me, feeling that warmth penetrate deeper and deeper until I think I'm going to burst!

  [Frasier raises his eyebrow] 

  Bebe : Then 'woosh!'... watching it flow out of me in a lovely sinuous cloud, no two ever quite the same!

  Daphne : [Visibly aroused, as are the others]  More potatoes, anyone?

• [about Frasier's agent] 

  Niles : You're still consorting with that barracuda?

  Frasier : Well, a barracuda is what you want in an agent, Niles. Well, it's just that the station's been sold, I was hoping she might have some scuttlebutt on the new owner. I must admit she's rather hard to get a hold of these days.

  Niles : Oh really? I thought one just drew a pentagram on the floor and chanted "I summon thee" three times.

• Bebe : [Bebe is smoking in the kitchen. When she hears Frasier and Niles coming, she puts out her cigarette and drops it into her purse]  I'm sorry I can't stay and help you with your paper, Niles, wedding preparations and all. But I'll remember those helpful hints. It's exercise, gum, and lots of water.

  [blue smoke is wafting out of her purse] 

  Niles : Water should come in handy for putting out those pesky purse fires.

• Bebe : Until today, I had no idea what a brilliant therapist your brother is. He has tunneled his way into the very depths of my psyche.

  Niles : Well, let's hope he sent a canary down first.

• [Niles is clipping coupons] 

  Roz : [surprised]  You're clipping coupons?

  Niles : [proudly]  I'm economizing.

  Roz : Oh well it's about time, you spend money like a drunken sailor.

  Niles : She said, authoritatively.

• [Discussing with Bebe her imminent marriage to a media tycoon] 

  Niles : Marrying money can have its perils. Ten or fifteen years down the line, after you've adapted to a lifestyle now totally beyond your means, you can find yourself cast aside, a hollow husk, penniless and crushed.

  Frasier : Niles, Big Willy's eighty five; he's on his third pacemaker.

  Niles : Ah! Mazel tov.

• Daphne : Who's staying all weekend?

  Niles : Bebe Glazer.

  Martin : [worried]  Here?

  Martin : [worried]  What does she have to stay here for?

  Frasier : She's trying to quit smoking.

  Martin : [sarcastic]  Oh great, that means she'll be extra lovable.

• Niles : Let her out that door, she'll smoke half a pack before the elevator hits the lobby.

  Frasier : How can you know that? You hardly spoke to her.

  Niles : Well, obviously you didn't see the crazed, cunning glint in her eyes.

  Frasier : She always looks like that, she's an agent.

• Martin : Well, I keep telling you, you don't have Maris's money to throw around anymore. You're going to have to start cutting back a little.

  Niles : I have cut back. Last month I told my masseur I could only see him once a week.

  Martin : Oh, I remember that scene in "Grapes Of Wrath" when Ma Joad did that.

  Daphne : You know, if you need to save a bit, you should do what I do and cut out coupons.

  Niles : Coupons. Well, what a wonderful way to economize. Well, I could clip them and give them to my personal shopper.

• Niles : Hello Frasier, I noticed you were out of capers the other night, so I got you this.

  Frasier : [Niles takes a massive jar of capers out of his bag and hands it to Frasier]  Thank you Niles, but why so many?

  Niles : I just discovered a place called "Price Buster's Warehouse." You have to buy in bulk, but the savings are extraordinary, and they have a huge selection. I found French fries and French doors in the same aisle.

  Frasier : Well, the next time you go back be sure to buy me a thousand swordfish so I can use these up.

  Niles : You laugh, but I could do it like THAT.

• Frasier : I must admit she's

  [Bebe] 

  Frasier : rather hard to get a hold of these days.

  Niles : Oh, really? I thought one just drew a pentagram on the floor and chanted "I summon thee" three times.